PYONGYANG - Leader of North Korea and known around the world for his popular music video "I'm so Ronery", Kim Jong Il was reported dead of a heart attack by State Media, having passed away at 8:30am on Saturday. State Media reports that his death was due to "overwork" after "dedicating his life to his people". The 28th will mark his funeral, with the mourning period for the Leader ending on the 29th.
Despite this State Media report, other officials from the U.S. and South Korea are suspicious of the actual cause of death for the former despot. Speculation as to the actual cause of death ranges from Seal Team Six to a Predator Drone attack, but via exclusive interviews and diligently obtained security reports from South Korea and the U.S. military, the reporting team here at the Leaky Wiki has deduced that there can be only one man responsible for, and capable of, this daring blow against Despotism:
While his gifts to us are normally within the realm of Lionel Train Sets and Skyrim (please), this year it would seem that Mr. Claus has opted for a gift that cannot fit in a stocking or under a tree.The sort of gift that can reach out and touch someone at a thousand yards.
The North Pole has yet to claim responsibility for the operation, yet the military spending of the North Pole, which is usually reserved for cloaking devices and anti-radar technology, was expanded recently to finance the conversion of one of the workshops to weapons production. Unfortunately the North Pole still refuses to comment, even the entry-level, production line elves maintaining the secrecy.
Yet American radar systems set up to track Santa's progress every December 24th were set off early this year, according to President Obama in an impromptu press conference this evening. Fighters sent to intercept the craft were able to confirm it was indeed Santa's sleigh prior to losing it, thanks to the Sleigh's advanced anti-radar skin; a jealously guarded military secret.
80 minutes after this report, a South Korean Radar Station reported finding a similar object going through South Korean airspace heading for Pyongyang. Fortunately AA batteries withheld their fire long enough to identify Father Christmas.
Unfortunately, this is the extent of the official documentation. Compiled from interviews with Pyongyang citizens, a red-eye Rambo marathon, and many, many beers, the Leaky Wiki is able to present this exclusive retelling of the events.
Pyongyang, 3am. As the Sleigh approaches the compound, the pilots face and beard are lit by the glowing ember of a cigarette. A white-gloved hand draws inspiration from the smoldering paper as one finger manipulates the controls: The guns are lowered for a strafing run. Two miniguns, Comet and Cupid emblazoned on the metal, begin to spin as a hail of brass casings litter the streets below, and the muzzle flash lights up the night sky. Anti-air batteries open up. The bag in the sleigh, normally filled with presents, cloaks the sleigh in chaff as it approaches for a second run. As tracer rounds desperately seek their target in brilliant streaks of gold and red, the target screen flashes.
Guard towers erupt as two Blitzen missiles find their mark. The AA fire halts. Now on the rooftop, click, click, click, Santa loads his Carbine. Down the chimney, he strides from the hearth, the carbine at his shoulder, the muzzle flash reflecting off the silver and gold glass on the tree. As the ammunition is expended, he reaches for Sweetness. With turret like precision, he clears the way to the despot. With casings decking the halls behind him and sweetness by his side, he stands in a large walnut doorway looking at a terrified pair of eyes across the room. As he strides through the doors, past the Walnut and Macadamias, over to the bed bedecked in evergreen, he pulls out an envelope. He crushes the dictator's Christmas list and lets it fall to the floor, mentally counting the number of rounds he's fired, determining whether or not Sweetness has one last kiss left.
As he cruises away, windows erupting in sprays of glass and jets of flame, one more name is crossed off the Naughty List.
The Leaky Wiki has no way of knowing if he said "Feliz Navidad mother******" as the building erupted in flames behind him, but we like to think so.