According to the results of a nationwide study conducted by the Extraterrestrial Research Group of America (ERGA), Americans who use the drug PCP (also known as “angel dust”) on a regular basis are up to fifteen times more likely to be kidnapped—and subsequently probed—by aliens from outer space, than those who do not use the drug at all.
ERGA spokesperson and noted UFO researcher Kevin Figgleton announced the baffling news Thursday, in a press conference held in the back of his 1989 Ford Econoline. Said Figgleton, “Though we are not sure what is causing these extraterrestrials to almost exclusively abduct PCP users, we now know that over 93% of the people who have reported being kidnapped by aliens in the last ten years were, in fact, using PCP at the time of their abduction.”
More disturbing yet, the majority of abducted PCP users often describe a shockingly similar set of events, both leading up to and during their encounters, according to research conducted by ERGA. So similar are their reports, in fact, that Figgleton was able to reconstruct a timeline of events outlining a typical abduction, which he then proceeded to explain to his audience of four overweight teenagers.
“Almost all of our subjects reported their abductions taking place after they had smoked or snorted PCP; sometimes immediately, and sometimes up to an hour later,” Figgleton proceeded to explain, as he readjusted his tin foil cap. “We’ve theorized that the aliens may have some sort of super enhanced scent identification system, capable of drawing them to the exact location where PCP has recently been used.”
According to ERGA’s research, the actual abductions almost always begin the same way: The abductees report first being approached by a strange, metallic spaceship, covered in flashing blue lights. Before they have a chance to escape, they are then physically attacked by one or two terrifying, otherworldly creatures. “The extraterrestrials are often described as tall and vaguely humanlike, and always dressed in dark blue jumpsuits,” clarified Figgleton.
After having their hands restrained by a mysterious cuff-like device, the abductees are then reportedly placed inside the metallic spacecraft, and flown to some kind of massive alien stronghold. “We believe this compound may be located deep in the heart of the Horse Head Nebula,” added Figgleton. There they are placed in large cages, filled with more alien creatures clad in bright orange jumpsuits. It is reportedly at this point that the probing begins—and the details become inconsistent.
“The accounts of alien probing vary greatly from case to case,” said Figgleton, glancing nervously at a bird in the sky. “Some reported the probing devices being small, some large. For some there was only one probe, for others there were many. In some cases the probing only lasted for a few minutes, in others it took hours. And some described the whole ordeal as rather pleasant, while others were very, very scarred by it.”
After an indeterminate amount of time spent inside their respective cage (during which several more probing sessions may or may not have occurred), the abductees reported that they were then released from the compound, and transported back to Earth via some sort of trans-universal teleportation device. “The abductees often find themselves transported to a spot miles away from where they were taken, but always within the same state, and usually the same county. We don’t know what, if anything, this means,” stated Figgleton, before he concluded the conference (declaring that he had said too much and that “the lizard people are coming to take [his] brainstem”).
As of press time, neither Figgleton nor any other representative of ERGA could be reached for comment, as the CIA may or may not be monitoring their communications/hiding underneath their floorboards.
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