A groundbreaking new study suggests that all of our preconceived notions on human reproduction may be about to be turned on their heads.
A study performed by researchers at the Sandy Institute for Reproductive Health claims that the truth about babies may be much dirtier than previously thought.
“The data is actually pretty overwhelming.” Says acting Director Margaret Withers. “Its hard to deny.”
The study, covering nearly 3,000 newborn babies and their families, was conducted over the course of five years.
“We found that across a broad spectrum of other factors such as finances, race, and hygiene habits, there was one factor that popped up again and again.” Dr. Withers went on to report. “Overwhelmingly, all of these babies were coming from couples that were sexually active.”
The study was released almost immediately after former long time Director of Research, Dr. Jonathon Willburn, was let go. The ensuing controversy comes as no surprise to anyone.
“Its a travesty.” Dr. Willburn said in an interview with the Leaky Wiki. “This study spits in the face of both science and morality. How can they connect such precious little blessings with an unquestionably despicable act?” Mrs. Willburn, also in the Willburn's living room at the time of the interview, wept quietly, obviously distraught.
Former Director Willburn admits that neither human anatomy nor biology were primary fields of study for him previously. In college, he studied animal wildlife, and wrote his doctoral thesis on Storks.
“It was why I was such an obvious choice for the position [Director of Research] in the first place.” Dr. Willburn said. “Studying wildlife, I am no stranger to sexuality, either. Disgusting.”
Still, the Sandy Institute stands by both its decision to let Dr. Willburn go and to release their findings.
“Almost unanimously, sexually active individuals, even those that aren't in loving relationships, end up with children.” Dr. Withers stated. “Furthermore, children of sexually active couplings suffer birth defects at no higher rate than any others, which seems to debunk the standing theory that handicaps at birth are punishments from God on the wicked.”
Indeed, the children of the sexually active covered in the study reported about 3% of them suffered from some kind of birth defect, in lock step with the national average.
“3 out of every 100 in the study suffered from some kind of defect.” Researcher Allen Greenlink stated when we spoke with him in his lab. “1 in 150 had heart problems, and 1 child we covered suffered from Tay-Sachs disease, which is a tragically fatal central nervous disorder. The numbers are startlingly consistent with national averages. They're actually exactly the same.”
Dr. Willburn remains defiant in the face of his colleagues work, however. “I think the study was rigged, so that they could act on their lustful urges. 'Making babies' would be a great excuse to get out and have some fun, but that would be like ice cream secretly being nutritious. Its a wondrous fallacy.”
To support his claims, Dr. Willburn cited his own scientific journal he began putting together after he “resigned”. The journal is a meticulously dated log of phone calls and conversations he has had with study participants in the time since he was replaced by Dr. Withers.
“Not one of them would talk about their sexual activity with me.” Willburn claims. “It reeks of a cover up.”
While controversy still rages, the scientific findings are hard to ignore for the time being. Whether they can be confirmed or refuted remains to be seen, but now is obviously an exciting time in human history. The possibilities of gaining deeper insight into the mysteries of life as we know it are ever present.
Shortly before press time for this article, it was announced that a team from the University of Southern California intends to follow up on the work started by the Sandy Institute. The new study will be led by the prestigious Professor Albert Wrathbone, who spoke briefly with The Leaky Wiki.
Seated comfortably on his oceanfront patio, Professor Wrathbone had a small, knowing smile when he made a bold prediction.
“We are confident we can put this issue to bed, once and for all.”
Photo Courtesy of Cornell University Library