There was a deep sigh of disappointment yesterday as the U.K Space Agency's latest Mars Probe appeared to have failed in its bid to find any evidence that it might in the future support means of life.

UKSA's Project Manager for "Operation Wing and Prayer" Trevor Randall claims to have forseen the issues that dogged the probe.  "There should be a better system for delivering these expensive bits of kit to their destination.  If you wanted to send a parcel to Manchester, you would not just fire it out of a cannon in the vaguely correct direction and hope for the best, especially if said parcel cost £32m.  But that is basically what we do."

Other people within the UKSA are more upbeat.  Jim Kelleher told us "We are getting images back from the probe albeit very dark ones.  Some say it is the inside of the lense cap that wasn't removed and although we have no reason to believe it got to Mars, I believe that these images prove that Mars is very, very dark.

A ballistics expert who was asked to look over the data relating to the launch to better track it's location came to pretty conclusive results.  "It is three miles into the Englsih Channel.  This would explain both the darkness and the apparent water damage."

Asked whether it was trying to retrieve the probe Trevor Randall said "It's hardly worth it, the salt water will have bollocksed it right up by now and once we have it back again it's not like we are going to somehow get it Mars anyway.  It didn't even reach France."