ARIES: (21st March - 19th April)
The rising house of pastry within the old moon brings indigestion, sweaty knees and an implaceable sense of regret. Beware of people with too many teeth and hairy ears offering you financial advice until Wednesday.
TAURUS: (20th April - 20th May)
You will lose four loved ones in an freak electrical storm. You will survive, but with no hair.
GEMINI: (21st May - 20th June)
Unsolicted and unwelcomed sexual advances at work will earn you a promotion but like everything else in life, you need to work at it and not be put off if perhaps results don't instantly come to fruit.
CANCER: (21st June - 22nd July)
You're brilliant. You know that? Really, really, really brilliant. Fantastic in fact. Really, really, really fantastic. Well done. Well done you. Keep up the good work. Well done. Well done you. Good job. Ten out of ten. Go you!
LEO: (23rd July - 22nd August)
Everyone thinks your weird. Really, really weird. You don't have much to lose so you might as well enjoy yourself by going to work naked and painted blue, it's not like anyone could respect you any less is it? They might even like you more for it so gather up the last bit of energy and determination throughy the thick fug of despair and self-loathing to make yourself look like as much a tit as you can muster.
VIRGO: (23rd August - 22nd September)
Borderline slump inch pitch correction endeavours shall facilitate few corrective gung-ho spinning stars aligning with Pluto. So that's good news for everyone. Except you.
LIBRA: (23rd September - 22nd October)
Now is a good time to put those plans into action. Guilletines might look complicated but if some eighteenth French chump could build one in an age where people were to dumb to have even invented skateboards it can't be that difficult. Laws are there to be overcome and you cannot make a revolutionary omlelette without breaking a few reactionary eggs. Your unlucky colour is the gorish dark red colour that you eventually bleed from your eyes and ears.
SCORPIO: (23rd October - 21st November)
The time has never been better than now to put your life savings into The Leaky Wiki. The price of satire and shit advice is going to soar sky-high. Six months from now youy will be sat in an air-conditioned office overlooking the Manhatten skyline staring in contempt at the pathetic little people who from your penthouse surroundings look like feeble little ants just waiting to be crushed by a rich satire mogul like yourself.
SAGITTARIUS: (22nd November - 21st December)
Did you hear that? Just then. Sounded like a wet slapping noise. Oh, it's gone now. There! There it is again! What is that noise? Sounds like the noise of a ping-pong racket being slapped against the arse of a greased pig.......Oh wait; it seems to have gone now.
CAPRICORN: (22nd December - 19th January)
The voices in your head continue to get louder. So loud in fact that the only way to get rid of them is to drive a quarter inch whole in the side of your skull with a masonry drill. That'll fix it. At least for a few days before the savage delirium inducing brain infection kicks in.
AQUARIUS: (20th January - 18th February)
I don't care what you do.
PISCES: (19th February - 20th March)
Where's my cheque?