Beverly Hills, California -- Professional dancer and part time porn star Chet Humungous is no stranger to risqué propositions. So when, whilst on tour with Lady Gaga, he was invited by the avant-garde artiste to engage in some “freaky genital mashing” he accepted the offer with gusto.

However, when he got back to Lady Gaga’s dressing room he was in for a shock.

“It was terrible!” Said Humungous, 24. “I mean, I have and will have sex with anything; man, woman, horse, you name it, and I was fully prepared for whatever it is Lady Gaga keeps in her pants. What I wasn’t prepared for was a regular ol’ vagina.” Chet lit a cigarette with shaking hands, his eyes adopting the thousand-yard-stare befitting of one of Gaga’s surviving conquests.

“Just a regular ol’ vagina. The shock nearly killed me. I should sue her for misrepresentation! I tell you, I’m going back to Japanese porn movies after this- they’re safer.” He then frowned a moment as if remembering some fresh horror from his ordeal.

“She did have a tattoo of Osama Bin Laden on her pubis, though. That was kind of weird. Especially the beard. The really creepy thing, though?” Chet blew a long river of smoke as he stared into some private oblivion.

“The Osama had the date of his death tattooed above his head. And this tattoo looked like it had been there for years.”