A recently escaped member of the Lord’s Resistance Army (L.R.A.), the army of children soldiers led by Joseph Kony, delivered important information to United Nations officials.  The fourteen year-old escaped during a night march two days ago, and says that Kony is showing signs of severe attention poisoning.

Joseph Kony has been thrown into the international spotlight since the beginning of the ubiquitous Kony 2012 campaign led by the Invisible Children charity.  The stated purpose of the campaign was to raise awareness of the man’s crimes and to “make Kony famous.”  According to the escapee, who has been asked to be referred to only as R. over the past several days, Kony has been suffering the ill effects of his new found superstardom.  “He doesn’t let it show,” R. said, “But I think all the attention is killing him.”  Military forces  searched for Kony with the information gained from R., but he had already moved on, without leaving a trace.

Dr. Fernando Guzman, a specialist on attention poisoning at the Universidad de Madrid, has been studying the unfolding of this story more closely than most.  “This is a fantastic example of how attention poisoning can work wonders for the world,” Guzman said, “We’ve seen a few cases in the recent years, Bin Laden for one,  and the public talking about how much they hate these guys was of immeasurable help.”

But though Dr. Guzman and others in the scientific community are optimistic, some are warning caution.  Dr. Rachel Smith, at Cedars Sinai, warns that, “Attention poisoning is still a poorly understood phenomenon.  Some indications even suggest that it can prolong the life of an intended victim, albeit in a weakened state.  Just look at Fidel Castro, or Andy Dick.”

Since R came forward, numerous other accounts of Kony’s health have come forward, but none have been credible.