Months after his controversial re-election, Vladimir Putin has opened negotiations with protest leaders.

In a statement from the Kremlin, Mr. Putin stated, “My cabin is so far away from all the noise and confusion of Moscow. It will let us put aside our agendas and really let us dissect the problem. I give my political opponents my solemn oath that they will not be harmed by me. I cannot vouch for the forest, however; the forest is full of danger," Putin added whilst fingering a six inch skinning knife during the Kremlin press conference.

The international community has supported Putin’s call for negotiations ever since the German ambassador was found gravely wounded outside his home from a “serious but non-judo related fall”. The German ambassador had spoken openly about the summit. He had been overheard stating that even if one could “run for days and never meet another soul” this did not make Mr. Putin’s lodge an appropriate location for such a summit. Mr. Putin said he personally spoke to the ambassador moments before his tragic accident and reassured him that the summit was not a trick to lure his opponents into a secluded cabin, where they would be tortured and killed.

“To suggest that I, Vladimir Putin, former KGB officer and Judo Black-belt, would hip throw my opponents until they begged for the release of death is preposterous. I chose my hunting lodge because it was remote. One could scream and not a single soul would ever hear. It would be like the mountains swallowed you whole...” Putin then put the press members at ease with a 10 second moment of silence as he stared deep into the soul of every reporter. It was then that Mr. Putin, a highly trained assassin, demonstrated the thirteen ways to kill a man with a single punch.

It is reported that many of Putin’s opponents have already made their way to the secret mountain fortress. Many were picked up in the dead of night by a state provided limousine service, while their families watched on, moved to tears by the courteous and efficient teams escorting their beloved family member.

Putin closed the press conference by saying, “As to the comfort of these advocates of democracy, I can assure you that they will enjoy my company for days, and a swift departure will come after our negotiations.” The president then opened the floor for questions as he toyed with his favorite sub-machine gun.

Photo: Sergei Maksimishin, Time Magazine