- Celebration, Florida

At approximately 9:30 last night, a house on the 800 block of Birch Avenue was egged by those gosh-darned hooligans.  Many residents of the area agree that these damned kids are a nuisance and deserve a stiff kick in the pants.  Eustace McGinley, who lives next door to the perfectly lovely house that was pelted with chicken products, says that “these kids act like they own the place.  Riding their skateboards and razor scoochers [sic] at all hours of the night, rap music blaring.  Personally, I blame the video games.”

Despite the locals’ best attempts at discouraging the continued presence of these menaces to our peace and tranquility, these obnoxious brats can’t take the god damned message.  Crandall Seymour, whose house was “tee-pee’d” by these cretins on Halloween, told me that “I’ve tried shouting at them, throwing garbage at them, I even turned the hose on a couple [of] them.  Not one damn bit of good it did.”

Many residents point to encouragement from within the community as an underlying cause of this problem.  Simon Redfoot, the tree-hugging hippie who lives a block down the street, says we should just ignore them because “boys will be boys.”  Tautological drivel aside, Simon “the goddamned Carter-loving hippie ‘dude’” Redfoot should watch his back.  It wouldn’t surprise me if he was growing the marijuana and selling it to the stupid bastards.  They’re probably all tripping on pot.

What the little twerps don’t know, is that the house they vandalized had security cameras in place.  While they were originally installed to catch the person stealing my mail, they caught the creeps who thought it would be “a kick” to mess with this reporter.  The tapes have been turned over to the police, who assure me that they’ll “look into it.”