Already being hailed as the moment the U.S. grabbed its ankles in the name of capitalism, President Obama late last night announced that the infamous ‘Black Friday’ would now be an official National Holiday. Biden was overheard during the President’s Speech whispering to an aide “God is dead and this is his eulogy.” Several hours later, The American Association of Catholic Bishops has issued this as their official statement on the President’s announcement.
In light of last nights announcement, Capitol Hill is buzzing with activity, as lobbyists and Representatives alike attempt to formulate their own strategies on how to best handle this news. We were able to obtain a brief interview with Speaker John Boehner, in which he expressed his approval for the Presidents decision.
“Last minute deals and announcements are nothing new in Washington, though this act by the Obama administration certainly tops them all.” Speaker of the House John Boehner told our reporters. “The private sector and the American People have clearly dictated this is the direction we’re heading, and it’s only fit that our government recognize this.”
Mirroring Boehner's sureness on this issue is mirrored by those in the Private Sector, as financial experts predict the stocks of major retailers will skyrocket. Best Buy CEO Brian J. Dunn stated in an impromptu interview with Forbes that “We are simply ecstatic over this news.”
“Our entire Marketing Division is hard at work in light of this news, and Best Buy has committed every resource at its disposal to adjusting our marketing plan. It was a flimsy attempt at subtlety about marketing the holiday season that was holding us back, but we see this announcement as an invitation to abandon that pretense.”
Though in the midst of this clamor of consumerism, a counter movement is being born: Occupy Walmart. In an unbelievable display of Freedom of Assembly, hundreds have assembled in a matter of hours in front of the capital on a day which most Americans consume half their body weight. As Twitter accounts and Facebook pages crop up for the group, plans are in the works to form protests in front of major retail outlets in major cities across the country, as the first protesters outside of DC begin to picket New York City retailers.
As the group's growing numbers portend large scale protests, Joseph Bartky, Professor of Sociology at Georgetown University believes the direction these protests are taking portend something darker. “Every year we hear horror stories of people being trampled in the entrances to stores so people can get a vibrator for 75% off” said Bartky. “Now we’re seeing protesters whose express purpose is to block these people from entering the stores. Nothing good can come of it. There will be blood."
Unfortunately, our interview with Dr. Bartky was cut short, following mumblings about ‘not wanting to live in this world anymore.'