Normal 0 false false false EN-US JA X-NONE In a bold move today, the Food and Drug Administration reversed its long held position on illegal drugs and poison, announcing that these substances and products would neither be banned nor labeled as such where sold on the market. Additionally, the Poison Control Center, now rendered obsolete, shuttered its doors for the last time last Friday. Behind the move brewed a long-term debate over the relative value and merit over poison consumption and whether illegal drugs and poisons were best simply opened up on the free market for whoever was willing to risk taking them or using them in novel and (now) formerly unsafe ways.

Besides making available to the general public all formerly illegal drugs, such as Cocaine, Heroin, PCP, LSD, and all forms of pills including uppers, downers, and in-betweeners, the move also removes the labeling of all poisons as such, and the long familiar skull and crossbones warning will be gone from formerly dangerous household chemicals and other poisonous products not formerly believed safe for consumption. The chemical manufacturers had long pushed for loosening legislation on this issue, so now, according to one source close to the chemical lobbyists, “people are free to use bleach as a mouthwash, ammonia for an after-dinner drink, rat-poison as a sweetener, and even hydrochloric acid as a shampoo.” The chemical manufacturers do continue to advise individuals that, as with any formerly toxic cleaning product, they should build up their tolerance to these products gradually.

Along with the move came the long called for reverse of the health warning on cigarettes. “Of course we’ve known all along there really is such a thing as a healthy cigarette, but we thought people wouldn’t believe us at first,” reported Winston-Salem tobacco manufacturer spokesman Wentin Knitnit. “Costs being what they are, not every tobacco company can produce a quality, organic, nicotine variable tobacco product. But now we know that not only is the market there, the FDA’s position backs us up. Turns out they were all healthy all along.”

Fringe Libertarians and other advocates of social Darwinism hailed the move as the ultimate endorsement of social freedom, the last restriction on our individual liberties. “If I want to drink a pint of bleach to wash down some oven cleaner, then I should be allowed to have free choice,” said 18 year-old Chubba Chubbs. “I mean, that’s why it’s called ‘all-purpose,’ right? And if I want drain cleaner as a deodorant or eat dryer sheets for a mid-day snack, then I should absolutely have the freedom of choice. I don’t need the government to tell me what or how I should or shouldn’t use something.” Controversial medical research has endorsed certain household cleaning products, formerly labeled as poisonous, as being safe alternatives for those suffering from certain ailments, for example, sulfuric acid can help acne sufferers, as it will remove the entire epidermis, acne and all, and ammonia tablets do destroy bad breath bacteria as not everyone appreciates the taste of mint lingering in their mouths. Mainstream medicine has been more cautious, however, in pointing out that more research may need to be done. But now that all restriction has been lifted, the research is ultimately rendered a moot point as persons are free to smoke, ingest, or rub on themselves whatever they please. “I can’t wait to roll up and smoke some poison ivy soaked in paint thinner,” said Chubba with a big toothy grin. “It’s about time we were really free as a people to make up our own minds and live life how we choose.”