Washington D.C. - The following is a leaked internal memo from the Secretary of the Treasury to his employees in the department of the treasury:

First of all, I’d like to congratulate everyone on another great year.  I know times have been tough, which is why we should be even more grateful for what we have.  And as we enter the new year, I would be remiss if I didn’t address a request that has been brought to my attention, sometimes by anonymous letters and sometimes by groveling.  The request is, roughly paraphrased, “Please stop with all the new quarter designs.”  To which I reply, “Never.”

Many of you seem to think this is some kind of game.  That I am doing this because I have an interest in state symbols and national parks that surpasses that of even the most hardened numismatist.  You cannot conceive how wrong you are.

I do this not because I enjoy it.  It brings me no pleasure to go over hundreds of thousands of designs that no one actually cares about.  I do this for one reason and one reason only.  I hate that goddamned eagle.

If it is the last thing I do, I will not let that bird back on the quarter.  It watches me, mocks me.  It tells me secrets that I am not meant to know.   And that is why I will not stop.  I’ve done ten years of states, one year of territories, and we are one sixth of the way through national parks.  Some of you think that twenty-three years of continuous design changes is too much.  I say it is not enough.

We need to show the coins that we rule them, not the other way around.  If any reverse side of a coin gets too much clout, it is only a matter of time before we are brought down by spare change.

And that is why I’m proud to announce that, following the completion of the national park series in 2021, we are launching the National Monument series.  Get ready for 101 and one designs based on everything from Yucca House to African Burial Ground.  And after that, we’ll do National Historic Landmarks.  There’s enough of those to keep us going for over five-hundred years! Because goddammit, I hate that bird.

PHOTO: Marilyn M on Flickr Creative Commons