Tragedy struck the University of Vermont campus last Thursday, when local freshman Chad Jarvis unwittingly revealed he knew very little of 70’s progressive rock band Pink Floyd, despite constantly referencing them in conversation. “He’s always wearing this dirty-ass ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ shirt, like, every day,” reported a former friend of Jarvis, Todd Smoot. “You’d think he’d be really into them, right?”
The startling revelation came to bear at 3:00 PM on Thursday, November 4th, when Jarvis overheard “Fathers Shout,” a track from Atom Heart Mother-one of Pink Floyd’s less popular albums. Upon commenting that the song was “pretty good,” and “sounds a lot like Floyd,” Jarvis accidentally revealed his terrible secret.
“I was all, like, ‘Dude! This is Floyd!” stated Smoot. Jarvis reportedly attempted to play off his ignorance of the song as a joke, claiming that, “Of course it’s Floyd,” and that he was “just kidding.” Smoot was then quoted as asking Jarvis to name five songs by Pink Floyd, at which point Jarvis became visibly nervous.
“At first he was all, like, ‘C’mon dude, of course I can name five Floyd songs,’” reported Smoot. “So I was, like, ‘Then do it, man.’ Then he got all nervous, and was, like, ‘um…Wish You Were Here, and uh…Another Brick in the Wall, and…Money.’ And so I was all, like, ‘that’s only three, man.’ And then he’s all, ‘Give me a second to think, dude.’ And I was like, ‘No way man! You’re, like, the Pink Floyd guy! How can you not know five of their songs?!’ Then he mumbled something about having class, and just sorta power-walked away. Kid’s like, a total poser.”
As of press time, Jarvis could not be reached for comment, though he was spotted walking around campus in a Phish shirt and Birkenstocks.
Jarvis’ situation is not unique; each week, more people are claiming to love bands they know nothing about across the nation. The epidemic, dubbed “Poserism,” has hit college campuses particularly hard; many schools have formed support groups for afflicted students. “I used to be a total Dead-head,” said UVM student Alyssa McDuden. “Oh God, there I go again! Ok, so I’ve, like, never actually listened to the Grateful Dead. But I really like my skull shirt and it impresses guys when I bring them up in conversation. I’ve heard that Johnny Garcia was, like, really great, but I more of a Ke$ha person. It’s just, like, way cooler to be a Dead fan, like…right?”
“Poserism is a strange disease,” stated psychologist Theodore Schliebenstein, author of bestseller Posers: The Silent Killer. “The onset of symptoms typically comes shortly after going to college. For reasons we haven’t quite figured out, the afflicted feel a sudden animalistic need for approval, and latch on to whatever they perceive to be ‘cool,’ or ‘steezy.’ Claiming to love music they’ve never actually listened to seems to be the most prevalent symptom; though many of the afflicted have also been observed carrying around skateboards, and wearing jackets meant for snowboarding, when in fact they have no experience in either sport. None at all.”
When asked what, if anything, can be done to stop the spread of posers, Schliebenstein responded, “Identification is the first step. Only once the afflicted has realized their condition, can they begin the long process of returning to civilized society-a process we call ‘un-douchification.’ If the poser never realizes his disease, he will keep posing until he either graduates, transfers, drops out, or is murdered by his peers for being such a sanctimonious bastard. To use vernacular that the youth of today would understand: If you don’t do a thang ‘bout it, posers gonna pose. They just gon’ pose all over the place. ”
Photo: Rojer, flickr