Des Moines, Iowa - Piggybacking off the news coverage of the Iowa Caucus, ExxonMobil, the Texas-based multinational corporation, officially announced its bid for the presidency in the 2012 election. Initially believed to be a hoax, it soon became clear that ExxonMobil was very serious. The supreme court was called to an emergency session to rule on the legitimacy of ExxonMobil’s candidacy, shocking the nation when they decided 5-4 that ExxonMobil’s personhood as a corporation gave it the constitutional right to run for political office. Justice Antonin Scalia said, “As a constitutional originalist, I feel that the founding fathers were trying to protect corporations’ rights.” The four justices that voted against ExxonMobil’s right to run for office were unavailable for comment, having quit their positions after reading a joint statement that simply read, “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”
Dr. Samuel McConelly, Professor of Political Science, was hardly surprised by the court’s decision. “It’s been a long time coming,” McConelly said, “Corporations have been running the country for decades. Instead of bribes and currying favors to get the politicians to do what they want, they’ve decided to cut out the middle-men. At least they’re honest about their intentions.”
The Supreme Court ruling has led to hundreds of corporations announcing their candidacies in Federal, State, District, and Municipal elections. While the reactions have primarily been negative, there has been a growing trend of acceptance to the new way of things. Selena Rosenthal is the principal of North Heights Elementary School. She had this to say on Office Depot’s campaign for LAUSD superintendent: “I was skeptical at first, but [Office Depot] promised to provide school supplies at 25% off. We’re usually lucky to have enough paper or pencils.”
But no one is more distraught by this turn of events than the politicians themselves. Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) and President Pro Tempore of the Senate Harry Reid (D-NV) said in a joint statement, “Everyone here, Democrats and Republicans, is upset about this. We are going to work together to set things right. Because it’s OUR money on the line, now. We can’t afford to risk our livelihood by bickering all the time.” Boehner and Reid then began passing out petitions for the 535 members of Congress to sign. As of the time of publishing, the petition has received 482 signatures. The 53 holdouts are refusing to sign petition unless it includes a clause to extend the Bush tax cuts indefinitely.
PHOTO: WeMeantDemocracy, Flickr Creative Commons