Montgomery, Alabama – Self-proclaimed reverend Eddie Humphrey’s new book hits shelves next week.  The book is already receiving both scorn and praise from the religious community.  That is because he has rewritten the bible.  The blurb on the back claims that it is “the ultimate spiritual guide for the modern true believer.”  The Leaky Wiki has obtained an advance copy, and will explain some of the differences in this new bible.

The differences are immediately apparent as the new bible is about a third of the length of the other versions.  Upon opening it to the first page, more changes became clear.  While most versions of the bible begin with the words, “In the beginning,” this version starts with the words, “About 4,000 B.C.”  In fact, it appears that most of the Old Testament had been removed.  The book of Leviticus had been cut down to the single phrase, “No homos.”

The changes to the New Testament were also somewhat startling, as Jesus, after a discussion about loving your neighbors, clarifies that if the government does the sharing, then it’s socialism, and that’s bad in his opinion.  Two other changes of note were from the verses Matthew 19:24 “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of god,” and Mark 14:7, “The poor you will always have with you…” In Matthew 19:24, the word “camel” was changed to “thread” and Mark 14:7 was changed to “Fuck the poor.”

Humphrey said in defense of his changes, “The bible is a long, complicated book.  And people are fallible, they’d just misinterpret it.  So I interpreted it for them.  For example the change I made [to Leviticus].  There’s a ton of stuff in that book that no one cares about.  There are verses and verses about what stuff you're not supposed to eat.  No one cares about that.  The only important thing in that book is who god tells us to hate.”  In fact, there is an appendix in the back of the book listing what god hates, from Adultery to Zuckerberg.

Photo courtesy of Felicia Atkinson on Flickr.com Creative Commons