Obesity has been a rising epidemic in America ever since deliciousness was invented by Colonel. Sanders in 1933. Now, with electronic entertainment having destroyed all inclinations to exercise, childhood obesity in particular is such a huge problem that the League of Average Comedians have regrettably announced the tragic passing of the “Yo’ momma so fat” joke, replacing it instead with, “Yo’ baby so chubby”.

There’s no denying that America is filled to the brim with seething, sweating, fat, fat children. Gasping for breath through their seemingly endless chins, crushing both vegetation and hope beneath their over-sized feet, and mooing like tragic, aimless buffalo. But science has turned a more pitying eye on the fatdemic, claiming that American children might not be becoming unstoppably rotund through their own sloppy upbringing, but in order to balance out the surface tension of planet Earth.

Professor Edmund Longhand, chief lecturer in non-specific reasoning at the University of Minnesota, claims that the waistlines of American children grow exponentially with the rising population and increasing dietary needs of China.

“It stands to reason, man.” Said Professor Longhand. “Everybody knows that if the population of China all jumped at the same time, there’d be a globe-wrecking earthquake. Nature has seen this threat and responded in the only way she knows how- by making the children on the other side of the planet fatter. Now, if those Chinese think they can threaten us with people earth quakes, we can threaten them right back with avalanches of fat children.”

When pressed to explain the research behind his findings, Professor Longhand mumbled an excuse about leaving the stove on, and then shuffled off like a pervert.