NYC, NEW YORK-- Amarjit Hussein, 23, made headlines last week when his poorly conceived suicide attack at the bullet-proof-glass factory failed to kill anybody but himself. Despite being dead, however, Amarjit is making news again with a tell-all interview about the afterlife.
Speaking through almost-celebrity medium “Mysterious” Graham Suggs, Amarjit was incensed.
“It’s lame, dude.” He said (through the earthly medium of Graham Suggs.) “Really disappointing. I knew I was going to be sitting at the right hand of Allah, but have you seen Allah’s right hand? It’s massive! It’s literally the size of Texas. There’s loads of us here, sitting on his hand, while he looks down at us like some kind of giant stoner. It’s creepy.”
“And the virgins? Forty virgins a piece, dude, that’s the deal. But have you seen them? There’s a reason they’re still virgins, man, its because they’re all really ugly. Like, really ugly.”
“If I’d known the afterlife was going to be this lame, I would have thought twice about blowing myself up like a dick.”
“If the west wants to stop young men like me becoming fanatical terrorists, just tell them that the virgins here are all as rough as a dog's asshole. Seriously, dude, they should just go out and get a stripper or something.”
At this point “Mysterious” Graham Suggs lost contact with the spirit world and demanded we cross his palm with silver. We crossed him alright.