In a statement released earlier today, Republican hopeful Rick Santorum told the press that he was planning to enact harm to himself if he didn’t win the Republican primary. “I already have the blades ready to go.” Santorum’s statement read, “I will totally cut myself for each vote that goes to another candidate. Will you be happy then? Vote for Rick Santorum 2012.”
While his staff seems concerned for his safety, claiming “he’ll actually do it,” and “he’s been listening to Smile Empty Soul all week,” there are skeptics who believe this is just a campaign ploy, including political analyst Amanda Cunningham.
“Santorum is working hard for the brooding emo vote,” said Cunningham, during an interview, “There is an untapped wealth of potential voters between eighteen and thirty-five who feel disenfranchised by popular media and look towards ‘alternate’ means of expressing themselves. Rick Santorum is trying to tap into this reservoir to get the edge he needs to win the Primary.” She went on to add, “I don’t care how many pictures of his ‘cutting scars’ he posts on his MySpace page, Rick Santorum is a calculating politician. He knows exactly what he’s doing.”
Others aren’t so sure what to think about Santorum’s latest claims, like Eloise Slater, a retired schoolteacher from Greenville, Ohio. “He seems like such a nice young man,” replied Slater, upon hearing the news, “I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to him. Surely I would vote for him if it wasn’t for Mitt Romney. Now that man really knows how to get a lady’s stockings wet. Mm!”
Santorum ended his press release with thirteen pages of poetry, including this excerpt:
“So dark, my beating heart
How ever can I stay strong?
If the rain blocked out the Sun
Would they even see me there?
My voice cracks a bleeding red
As I long for the hearts of many
And so terrible is my plight
I die with a heart so empty.”
No one knows how Santorum’s newest campaign promise will affect him in the polls, but political analysts and the GOP are eager to find out.