Aries: People have often told you that you were destined to do great things.  However, that incident with the Statue of Liberty is not quite what they had in mind.

Taurus: The impending alignment of the moon, Earth, and sun indicates a full lunar eclipse in your future.

Gemini: The stars suggest that you will be amused by an obscure Simpsons reference.
Cancer: Others have criticized you for being arrogant, but they’re just upset because you’re always right.

Leo: The passing of Saturn over Mars predicts a difficult decision in the near future.  One that seems so insignificant that you won’t even notice it when it happens, but will affect your life forever.  No pressure.

Virgo: In the upcoming days, you’ll have trouble seeing the forest through the trees.  I recommend lighting a signal fire to secure an air rescue.

Libra: Fortune cookie say: You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial.

Scorpio: People have tried to convince you that you’re paranoid, but that’s just what they want you to think.

Sagittarius: The proximity of Europa to Titan indicates a power struggle in your near future.  Now’s a good time to get that sword sharpened.

Capricorn: The saying “Never trust Greeks bearing gifts,” refers to the Trojan horse.  The phrase “Never trust Turks bearing bread pudding” refers to your coworker’s bachelor party next Tuesday.

Aquarius: Don’t judge a book by its cover.  Except for Mein Kampf.  You can totally judge that one by its  cover.

Pisces: Romance is in the air.  Wear a surgical mask to limit chances of contraction, and wash your hands frequently.

Matthew Kahn learned astrology by doing a favor for Athena, and got a degree in divination from "The White Visitation."