Aries: People have often told you that you were destined to do great things. However, that incident with the Statue of Liberty is not quite what they had in mind.
Taurus: The impending alignment of the moon, Earth, and sun indicates a full lunar eclipse in your future.
Gemini: The stars suggest that you will be amused by an obscure Simpsons reference.
Cancer: Others have criticized you for being arrogant, but they’re just upset because you’re always right.
Leo: The passing of Saturn over Mars predicts a difficult decision in the near future. One that seems so insignificant that you won’t even notice it when it happens, but will affect your life forever. No pressure.
Virgo: In the upcoming days, you’ll have trouble seeing the forest through the trees. I recommend lighting a signal fire to secure an air rescue.
Libra: Fortune cookie say: You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial.
Scorpio: People have tried to convince you that you’re paranoid, but that’s just what they want you to think.
Sagittarius: The proximity of Europa to Titan indicates a power struggle in your near future. Now’s a good time to get that sword sharpened.
Capricorn: The saying “Never trust Greeks bearing gifts,” refers to the Trojan horse. The phrase “Never trust Turks bearing bread pudding” refers to your coworker’s bachelor party next Tuesday.
Aquarius: Don’t judge a book by its cover. Except for Mein Kampf. You can totally judge that one by its cover.
Pisces: Romance is in the air. Wear a surgical mask to limit chances of contraction, and wash your hands frequently.
Matthew Kahn learned astrology by doing a favor for Athena, and got a degree in divination from "The White Visitation."