Hugo Wallace, CEO of Big Meat America, stunned a press conference in Washington today when he unveiled his plans for a new line of celebrity meat products.
“Since Norwegian scientists perfected the technique of growing edible beef muscle in a petri dish, many people are orating on the potential environmental and ethical benefits.” Said Wallace, 49. “But who’s thinking about the future? Me, that’s who. If we can clone cows- why not clone celebrities?”
“That’s right. Who in their right mind would eat a regular old beef burger when they can eat meats grown from the finest celebrity gene stock? I’m talking Beiber Burgers, Rihanna Ribs, and Kardashian Kebabs!”
The floor erupted with questions, mostly ‘Isn’t this cannibalism?’ and ‘How can this mad man be stopped?’
“It’s not really cannibalism.” Said Wallace. “The specimens were never really human- just vat grown meat. Rest assured, I have already brought up the genetic rights to the entire cast of Jersey Shore, and once we figure out how to eliminate the STI’s from The Situation's sample, you can expect celebrity meat products to hit grocery stores sometime next spring.”
More questions came from the assembled press, mostly ‘Oh, the humanity!’ which isn’t really a question, but needed to be said.
“And don’t think I’ll stop at reformed meat products.” Continued Wallace. “It is my grand ambition to change the face of meat as we know it. Literally. I intend to clone fully formed celebrity faces. What’s for dinner? Justin Bieber’s face!”
When challenged about the ethical ramifications about eating the cloned faces of actual human beings, Hugo Wallace was dismissive:
“Show me where in the bible it says that I can’t eat a celebrity’s face.” He countered.