With a vote of 25-7, the state Senate approved a measure that will provide K-12 teachers with a controversial new set of guidelines for the teaching of Atomic Theory.

Senate bill SB995, sponsored by Sen. Bo Watson (R-Hixson) requires educators devote equal footing to alternative constructions of atomic and sub-atomic theory. “Chemistry and physics combine to affect every inch of creation in the Universe,” explained Governor Haslam, “and we can no longer sit back and allow our children to become indoctrinated with an entirely secular understanding of how matter is constructed.”

Proponents of the bill are said to have been inspired by recent innovations, namely, the determination of a “Jesus Particle” by Theological Physicists at Oral Roberts University. Lead scientist for the Jesus Particle project, Ezekiel Johansson testified before the senate, “Even quantum physicists are in agreement of this Uncertainty Principle—there is no way to predict both the position and momentum of a particle, let alone whether it happens to also appear as a diminutive rendering of a crucifix.”

Within hours, many opponents emerged, including the National Center for Science Education and the Chemical Education Foundation, who asked renowned Theoretical Physicist Lawrence Krauss to testify before the Senate hearing committee, “The universe is the way it is, whether we like it or not.” His testimony was met with loud booing and hissing from the Republican dominated Senate, yet he managed to continue. “Due to the size and behavior of an electron, there is no way of perceiving it visually, that is, an electron will not reflect the photons of light.”

Johansson rebutted this testimony, further explaining his field of expertise, “The fact is, we are witnessing great developments in the field of Theological Physics. For instance, if 90% of the mass of a proton consists of empty space, and 99.9% of all matter is in fact empty space, it is entirely possible that this empty space is what Jesus had in mind when he said ‘it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of heaven,’ that is to say, very, very easy when you account for all that empty space.” These words were then met with a standing ovation by member of the Senate.

Missouri, Oklahoma, and Alabama are also considering similar legislation designed to encourage Theological Physics in public education. A poll of High School Chemistry instructors in these states revealed that many are currently forgoing atomic theory in order to avoid this controversy and potential reprisal from administrators and parents. A High School Advance Placement Chemistry teacher who wished to remain anonymous said, “That’s it. I’m done. I don’t want to live on this planet any longer.”

Krauss’s admission that knowing the exact composition of an electron was impossible only served to embolden supporters of the legislation. Board of Education chair Rosco Hatfork was quick on the attack, stating, “Well if we can’t see ‘em then I don’t see why our children should be forced to accept a scientific worldview that excludes the possibility of a Creator. A Creator that designed electrons with a reverence for Our Savior.”

Hatfork went on to explain how this bill helps further develop critical thinking and scientific reasoning skills, “Students are coming to us with questions, many of which are highly skeptical. I had a second grader ask me the other day, ‘Why is the sky blue?’ Am I supposed to tell her because science says so? The fact is, we just don’t know, we don’t know if it is because of tiny floating crucifixes in the sky.”

The actual text of the bill reads as follows:

“The teaching of some scientific subjects, including but not limited to the chemical structure of the atom can cause controversy, and educators in the state of Tennessee shall endeavor to present alternative theory to these highly controversial controversies.”

Also passed on the same day, a bill that will grant the production of thousands of tiny stickers, small portraits of Jesus on a saddle, legs akimbo, for placement on depictions of dinosaurs found in academic Paleontology texts.