A report published this week by the University of Titsbury concluded that cheap alcohol is responsible for poor people having a really good time.
The author of the report, Dr Saltzerburgum told The Leaky Wiki "It's all very well talking about poor people getting attacked, arrested, all sorts of cancers, organ failure etc etc, we all know about that, but we need to look at the negative effects of cheap alcohol too."
It would seem that Dr Saltzerbergum's conclusions have struck a chord with some people. "Mad" Murdoch "Mad Dog" MacMad commented online "Last night I drunk four litres of mega-strength cider and I felt wonderful, had a great time. Sure, my teeth are rotting and my kidneys packing up but for a few hours last night, I felt invincible."
But it's not just mad hobos that are enjoying the benefits of fermented decomposing liquid vegetable matter, children are increasingly enjoying the confused fuggy warmth of inebriation. Anecdotal reports suggest that a bottle of fortified wine and a fight have become a standard evening out for youngsters as young as nine. Speaking on the condition of anonymity Alvin White, 11, of 22 Pisscastle Crescent, Newport told us that he likes nothing more than patrolling the housing estate on which he lives drunk out of his tiny mind armed with a crossbow. "There's nothing like it. Drinking makes me feel like a man and armed with a crossbow I really look the dog's balls."
But you don't need to be armed with a crossbow to have a good time. Just sitting on your own in a multi-storey car park with a bottle of cheap whiskey is as good a way as any to achieve the advanced stages of mental incompetence so pleasurable to drinkers. To many drinkers however drinking is a social tool and the glue to form lasting family bonds. Richard Potts of Southend, Essex wished to re-instate that he doesn't "need cheap alcohol to have a good time" but conceded that it does help. "Last night I drunk eighteen pints of lager and felt so fucking great I punched four of my wife's teeth out."
(Photo courtesy of Landii @http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Drunk_woman_vomits.jpg)