After months of tense negotiations, the Taliban have announced that their office in Qatar will be closed.
Earlier this week, Taliban spokesman, Farrouk Al Hassan, better known by his fundamentalist Hip-Hop pseudonym , G-Hadi, announced that, “after several counterproductive and condescending emails, as well as an extremely unprofessional phone call: we have decided that the our current arrangement is no longer satisfactory.”
The 300 sq. foot office space leased by the Taliban from landlord, Mr.Ibrahim Ahmed, “will be sorely missed” according to Al-Hassan: “It is so hard to find a place in Qatar with air conditioning and in-suite laundry; further, the Airport is only hand grenades throw away. It is going to be hard but at least we won’t have the infidels upstairs with the subwoofer.”
The office space was leased to facilitate ongoing negotiations with the United States. These talks, vital to the stability of the region, had been going very well according to Al-Hassan. “The meetings would only descend into gunfights once a week. We had been making real inroads with the infidels after establishing some common ground in regards to season 4 of Breaking Bad."
Diplomatic talks are on hold until a suitable office space can be found. However, the Taliban are refusing to move until their damage deposit is returned.
It is believed that the Taliban and Mr. Ahmed ran into difficulties after Taliban secretary, Mohammed Kahn sprayed acid on the face of Mr. Ahmeds’ only daughter, Aala.
The 14 year old girl had been walking to school when the 20 year old, illiterate insurgent leapt at the opportunity to do justice and attacked. Thus proving to Aala once and for all, that girls should not go to school. “It is too dangerous for girls to go to school,” said Al Hassan, “just look what happened to poor Mr. Ahmeds. His daughter’s dowry will be unaffordable now!”
After the acid attack, things between the Taliban and Mr. Ahmed took a turn for the worst. “He was very angry” said Mohammed. He threatened to get the police involved, but after he saw our bomb factory in the bathroom he ran away. We didn’t hear from him until he emailed us in the morning that we had been evicted.
By all accounts, the Taliban did try to make amends. These attempts at reconciliation went awry after the gift bouquet they had delivered to Mr. Ahmed exploded. It is believed that this package was meant for the US embassy, as the American ambassador received a, “lovely bouquet and a very nice card” earlier that very day.
Photo: Taliban members say their hunt for a new apartment has been hampered by a poor public image and a tendancy to behead the current infidel tennants. Credit EPA.