In a shocking statement tonight, immediately following the Miami Heat's 121-106 win over the Oklahoma City Thunder, NBA commissioner David Stern announced plans to decrease the rosters of every NBA team to simply three players. Beginning in the 2012-2012 season, each team will have three players on their squad, with absolutely no bench support or depth. The sideline will consist only of a coach, a trainer, and a water cooler. Other changes to be implemented include the elimination of referees, as Stern has decided that they are no longer relevant, as well as scoring consisting of two point, three point, and the new four point baskets. The new four point baskets will be given to the flashiest players who travel and throw constant alley-oops.

Stern went on to explain that the decrease in the league will be sure to upset many fans as well as players, for many of them will be cut from their respected teams. Stern mentioned that severance packages will be sent out to the newly released players that will consist of Oklahoma City Thunder NBA Champions t-shirts and autographed pictures of LeBron James. Stern also went on to say that the remaining players, or “super-stars”, will announce their decisions on what team they will sign with on live TV. Each player will be given their own 20 minute special, with proceeds going to the charity of their choice. Stern believes that this will give an even greater spotlight to these over-paid “professionals” and that he hopes it will re-energize the league, increase ratings and revenue, and change the sport into something it has never even come close to being in the past.