Public outcry over Mississippi Republican representative Todd Akin’s allegation that “legitimate rape” does not cause pregnancy has increased as it was revealed that Atkins supporters are pushing to change anatomy textbooks to show the "emergency rape shut-off" in the uterus.
The St. Louis County Unified School District, a county that Rep. Akin represents, has approved a measure by a vote of 7-1 to alter anatomy textbook and sex education pamphlets to include the “emergency rape shut-off" part of the body.
The Leaky Wiki spoke with Randy O’Connor, a volunteer with the St. Louis School Board and supporter of the textbook change, on the condition that he remain anonymous.
“It is not in our control what the people of Missouri and the people of the board believe is right and what should be taught to our children,” said O’Connor. “Therefore, it would not feel just, in our opinion, to deny the rights of the majority vote in expanding on all biology classes in the St. Louis County District. For instance, if the better part of the school district’s board members agree that the mentioning of the word ‘evolution’ needs to be banned in our curriculum, so be it. And, that also means the same regulations should be in effect for including a part of the vaginal anatomy.”
Sample textbook pages created by Akin supporters and obtained by The Leaky Wiki reveal that an apparent entire function near the urinary tract has been excluded from the female anatomy until now (as seen below).
Pearson, the textbook distributor which provides books for the St. Louis County Unified School District, has stated that “at this time we have not received any notification of a change in the textbooks for any school in Missouri and that any change that is requested would take several months to implement.”
In addition to this, the vote has also reawakened the national discussion of other controversial sex topics. Among the growing controversies in question is the “spray and pray” method of contraception (in which immediately after ejaculation, spraying water into the vagina, such as from a spray bottle or a garden hose, can allegedly be used to “gently terminate” the sperm) and a proposed voice-activated diaphragm that can be surgically inserted into the end of the uterus.
Vienna, Austria - A recently published study by the International Anthropological Association makes claims that could rattle the very foundation of our understanding of early human behavior. The report, based on six years of research in over a dozen nations, claims that early homo sapiens “had frequent and fervent intimate relations with a multitude of non- homo sapiens beings. i.e., they screwed everything they could.”
The researchers used cave art, fossils, and ancient artifacts to reach their conclusion. The first major piece of evidence was discovered accidentally in the Lascaux caves in France. Already famous for its cave paintings, a team of Australian researchers found a chamber that had been hitherto closed off by a cave-in. Paintings in the cave depict human men and women mid-coitus with over eighteen species of large mammals and several amphibians. The chamber (since named “The Cave of Interspecies Knowledge”) led researchers to question some of their beliefs about what, if anything, early humans wouldn’t stick their dick in.
A re-evaluation of previously discovered fossil evidence using recently advanced genetic testing techniques, along with newly uncovered fossils, has provided physical proof for the new theory. Ronald McIntyre, who headed the study, spoke briefly with The Leaky Wiki over the phone. “We can’t be completely certain, but as far as we know, early homo sapiens stuck their naughty bits in just about everything.” When asked to comment on Reverend Jeremiah Hanks’s summary of the study (that “early man fucked everything that moved”), McIntyre replied that “Hanks’s summary is completely incorrect. If he had actually read the research, he would know that early man fucked a lot of things that didn’t move. And there were some things that did move that they didn’t subject to the ol’ in and out [sic].” When asked for examples, McIntyre replied that “[w]e have no evidence that any of them ever buggered a sea cucumber.”
Linda Royce, a professor of Anthropology at Yale University, said of the study, “The findings of these researchers is truly important. Until now, we only believed that early man only played hide the pickle with other humans, Neanderthals, Cro-Magnon, apes, pigs, sheep, goats, cows, and the occasional bullfrog. If they actually did the nasty with everything, we’d have to rewrite all of the textbooks.”
The study has yet to be accepted by the scientific community, awaiting further research.
A groundbreaking new study suggests that all of our preconceived notions on human reproduction may be about to be turned on their heads.
A study performed by researchers at the Sandy Institute for Reproductive Health claims that the truth about babies may be much dirtier than previously thought.
“The data is actually pretty overwhelming.” Says acting Director Margaret Withers. “Its hard to deny.”
The study, covering nearly 3,000 newborn babies and their families, was conducted over the course of five years.
“We found that across a broad spectrum of other factors such as finances, race, and hygiene habits, there was one factor that popped up again and again.” Dr. Withers went on to report. “Overwhelmingly, all of these babies were coming from couples that were sexually active.”
The study was released almost immediately after former long time Director of Research, Dr. Jonathon Willburn, was let go. The ensuing controversy comes as no surprise to anyone.
“Its a travesty.” Dr. Willburn said in an interview with the Leaky Wiki. “This study spits in the face of both science and morality. How can they connect such precious little blessings with an unquestionably despicable act?” Mrs. Willburn, also in the Willburn's living room at the time of the interview, wept quietly, obviously distraught.
Former Director Willburn admits that neither human anatomy nor biology were primary fields of study for him previously. In college, he studied animal wildlife, and wrote his doctoral thesis on Storks.
“It was why I was such an obvious choice for the position [Director of Research] in the first place.” Dr. Willburn said. “Studying wildlife, I am no stranger to sexuality, either. Disgusting.”
Still, the Sandy Institute stands by both its decision to let Dr. Willburn go and to release their findings.
“Almost unanimously, sexually active individuals, even those that aren't in loving relationships, end up with children.” Dr. Withers stated. “Furthermore, children of sexually active couplings suffer birth defects at no higher rate than any others, which seems to debunk the standing theory that handicaps at birth are punishments from God on the wicked.”
Indeed, the children of the sexually active covered in the study reported about 3% of them suffered from some kind of birth defect, in lock step with the national average.
“3 out of every 100 in the study suffered from some kind of defect.” Researcher Allen Greenlink stated when we spoke with him in his lab. “1 in 150 had heart problems, and 1 child we covered suffered from Tay-Sachs disease, which is a tragically fatal central nervous disorder. The numbers are startlingly consistent with national averages. They're actually exactly the same.”
Dr. Willburn remains defiant in the face of his colleagues work, however. “I think the study was rigged, so that they could act on their lustful urges. 'Making babies' would be a great excuse to get out and have some fun, but that would be like ice cream secretly being nutritious. Its a wondrous fallacy.”
To support his claims, Dr. Willburn cited his own scientific journal he began putting together after he “resigned”. The journal is a meticulously dated log of phone calls and conversations he has had with study participants in the time since he was replaced by Dr. Withers.
“Not one of them would talk about their sexual activity with me.” Willburn claims. “It reeks of a cover up.”
While controversy still rages, the scientific findings are hard to ignore for the time being. Whether they can be confirmed or refuted remains to be seen, but now is obviously an exciting time in human history. The possibilities of gaining deeper insight into the mysteries of life as we know it are ever present.
Shortly before press time for this article, it was announced that a team from the University of Southern California intends to follow up on the work started by the Sandy Institute. The new study will be led by the prestigious Professor Albert Wrathbone, who spoke briefly with The Leaky Wiki.
Seated comfortably on his oceanfront patio, Professor Wrathbone had a small, knowing smile when he made a bold prediction.
“We are confident we can put this issue to bed, once and for all.”
Photo Courtesy of Cornell University Library
To drum up tourist business in these tough economic times, cities in the San Fernando Valley have taken a new approach. They took a cue from their neighbors in Hollywood and Beverly Hills, which draw most of their tourism from the allure of celebrities and celebrity related attractions (Universal Studios, Madame Tussaud’s House of Wax, etc.).
“What places like Hollywood are to movie stars,” said a press release from the Burbank chamber of commerce, “the Valley is to porn. Porn is a multi-billion dollar industry, and we here in the San Fernando Valley produce more of it than anyone else.”
In fact, the San Fernando Valley is responsible for the production and distribution of almost ninety percent of the nation’s pornography. And many businesses are being born to take advantage of that fact. Timothy Riker, 52, is an entrepreneur from Tarzana. He spoke about his new business exclusively with The Leaky Wiki. “Whenever I’m in Beverly Hills, I see people making bank on maps to the stars’ homes. So I thought,” He unfolded a large piece of paper, “Why not make maps to the pornstars’ homes?”
And while many independent businesses are popping up, they pale in comparison to the official projects. The Calabasas City Council approved the construction of a Porn Hall of Fame. Kim Kardashian, a Calabasas resident whose baffling rise to fame began with a sex tape, was the master of ceremonies at the ground breaking ceremony in Old Town Calabasas last Thursday.
But the biggest news by far is “The Boulevard of (Porn)Stars,” which is to be developed by the Los Angeles City
Tourism Bureau. The proposed attraction will involve repaving the sidewalks on Ventura Boulevard from where it begins of
Valley Circle Boulevard to Canoga Avenue, over two miles away. While no stars have been dedicated yet, Mayor Antonio
Villaraigosa has hinted that the first star will be offered to Hugh Hefner. Construction is expected to be complete by late 2015.
Last month the world was shocked when Malcolm Brenner, a 58-year-old Florida man, admitted to a sexual relationship with a dolphin. Brenner fornicated with ‘Ruby’, a female bottlenose dolphin over the space of 9 months in the early ‘70s. His reason for stopping the physical relationship has now been revealed.
During the tryst, Ruby fell pregnant and gave birth. Her handlers were horrified to find the offspring didn’t look entirely dolphin, and Brenner agreed to take it away so Sea World could avoid any lawsuits and bad press.
Brenner managed to raise the baby in secrecy. He tried dating again, experimenting with dugongs, alligators, and freshwater lobster, but he admits he could never get over Ruby. “Once you go gray, you never go cray,” he says, clearly unrepentant of his bestial habits.
Growing up was hard for his son; not quite like the boys at school and never fitting in with the aquarium fish. Life seemed bleak, until the young ‘man’ discovered his love of rap music and acting. “I just dug it that I could become someone else. No longer the boy of the man who couldn’t keep his junk out of a sea animal... I could be anyone.”
The Leaky Wiki can now reveal that Ruby and Malcolm’s child is the Academy Award™ nominated Mark Wahlberg. When the 40-year-old actor/producer was asked how he feels about his family secret being made public, he answered, “I’m relieved, to be honest. I don’t have to glue this Lego man wig on anymore... I can let my blowhole show.”
Wahlberg was reunited with his mother and they’ve spent the last few months building a relationship. He’s even met a young killer whale in Ruby’s tank, and the two have been spotted on moonlit swims. “I do love me a big black woman,” Wahlberg laughed. It seems the apple doesn’t fall too far from the marine-humping tree.
Levittown, PA---Several members of the Timber Valley community reacted Tuesday after learning that Rebecca Johnson goes all the way.
“I was waiting for the school bus, when all of a sudden Kevin Lorenz was all like, ‘Me and Becky Johnson totally f’d yesterday’,” said sophomore Chris Taylor.
Freshman Joe Nardo confirmed the rumor. “I heard this dude from Central High boned her after the Fall Dance. You hear about people doing that stuff all the time, but it’s way cooler when you sit next to them in Algebra II.”
However not all Timber Valley residents were excited to learn the news. “Becky Johnson is the biggest slut of all time,” said Kelly McKeown, Student Leader of Johnson's church group. “She’s probably got like a million STDs,” she added.
Still the overall response to the news was largely positive.
“I’ll tell you one thing,” Nardo said. “I know who I’m asking to the Spring Fling.”