The Leaky Wiki

BREAKING NEWS

Kim and Kanye's Baby to be Named Kristmas

Phish Ticket Sales Down after Marijuana Legalization in CO

Obama's Favorite Movie is Paul Blart Mall Cop

Lizzie from Arcade Game Rampage is a Reality after Shale Gas Water Supply Contamination

Mars Curiosity Kills Cat

Man On Diet Of Toothpaste "Still Minty" after Six Years

John Boehner to Star in The Sound of Music on Broadway

Cats Apparently a Big Thing on the Internet

Mars Curiosity Rover Finds Rock Blah Blah Blah

"Yeah. Sure," Says Person Who Isn't Listening to a Goddamn Thing I Say

11:53:51 pm EDT PM

Monday, 20 May 2013

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Horoscopes

Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.

Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.

Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.

Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.

Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.

Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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Watermelons Found to be Most at Risk of Abuse

Written by George Briscoe

Calls from the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Fruit (NSPCF) for the government to act upon the rise in physical and sexual abuse towards Watermelons has escalated today. As a type of fruit, Watermelons stand out as…

Promiscuous Teenage Lion Fathers His 18th Cub

Written by Jack McNally

In a further sign that today’s teenagers have lost their moral compass, a local teenage lion fathered his 18th cub last night. Sources report that the 13 year old lion, named Alan, has fathered…

In back of bus, VC rapes, kills two entrepreneurs

Written by Billy Thakid

A well respected Austin, TX venture capitalist is behind bars today after a horrible pitch lead to the violent defilement and killing of two bright eyed entrepreneurs.

According to one witness, it all started…

Pope Benedict XVI to Return in 5 Years Looking “Hotter Than Ever”

Written by Jake Kaplan

Pope Benedict XVI is resigning from the Catholic Church in order to undergo extensive cosmetic surgery, The Leaky Wiki can exclusively reveal. The 85 year old who has…

Phantom Glasses Syndrome Costing Economy Millions

Written by George Briscoe

The condition, in which spectacle wearers reach to remove glasses they are no longer wearing is one of the fastest rising mental health conditions in the world. Economists have forecast that it will cost the U.K. economy 480 million pounds alone…

Imported Chinese Bananas Contain up to 100% Horse Meat

Written by George Briscoe

As the row over the finding of horse DNA in labelled beef products rages The Leaky Wiki can reveal that bananas imported from China have been found to be up to 100% horse meat.

Random spot…