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BREAKING NEWS

Kim and Kanye's Baby to be Named Kristmas

Phish Ticket Sales Down after Marijuana Legalization in CO

Obama's Favorite Movie is Paul Blart Mall Cop

Lizzie from Arcade Game Rampage is a Reality after Shale Gas Water Supply Contamination

Mars Curiosity Kills Cat

Man On Diet Of Toothpaste "Still Minty" after Six Years

John Boehner to Star in The Sound of Music on Broadway

Cats Apparently a Big Thing on the Internet

Mars Curiosity Rover Finds Rock Blah Blah Blah

"Yeah. Sure," Says Person Who Isn't Listening to a Goddamn Thing I Say

10:51:47 am EDT AM

Monday, 20 May 2013

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Horoscopes

Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.

Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.

Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.

Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.

Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.

Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Business News

Something Something Fiscal Cliff Something

Written by Julien Blower

Yet another announcement was made by a controversial politician today regarding the so-called "fiscal cliff," leaving America with new impatience and hatred for somebody. Probably Obama or something.

Many researchers have observed that there seems to…

Economy Facing Shortage of Go-Getters and Team-Players

Written by Josh Triantafilou

A recent report commissioned by the Bureau of Economic and Business Affairs has found that the economy is facing a desperate shortage of both go-getters and team-players. The news comes amid signs of a worsening economy,…

Hedge Fund Titan Builds Prison for Corporate Drones

Written by Elisabeth Gruber

Recent zoning documents reveal that a reclusive hedge fund titan plans on including a helipad, a floating recreational barge and a marina in his new $750 million office. Bridgewater is the world’s most successful hedge fund,…

al-Qaeda, Inc. May Be Facing Bankruptcy By 2013

Written by Julien Blower and Jake Kaplan

Following the resignation of its just recently appointed CEO, the controversial Middle Eastern corporation al-Qaeda has announced that if it does not begin to pick up on sales and abduction operations, it may very likely go…

Regional Bullying Convention Opens Next Door To Regional Scientists' Convention

Written by Drake Marsh

Trayeville, NQ - A total of 115 scientists were injured during an all-out brawl between the Trayeville Bullying Association and the Trayeville Scientists Association last Friday.

What may be the most massive fight in recent Trayeville…