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Horoscopes
Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.
Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.
Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.
Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.
Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.
Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Calls from the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Fruit (NSPCF) for the government to act upon the rise in physical and sexual abuse towards Watermelons has escalated today. As a type of fruit, Watermelons stand out as…
Movie star heartthrob Ryan Reynolds, star of films like The Green Lantern and The Proposal, is changing up his career track, according to a press release sent out by his agent. Don’t worry, Reynolds will still…
Universal Studios has confirmed a rumor that Fred Phelps, the leader of the anti-happiness club Westboro Baptist Church, will star in the upcoming Freddy vs. Jason remake.The under-production film, under the working title Freddy v. Jason:…
For generations, Mr. Ben Brown or “Uncle Ben” as he is known to many, has represented Uncle Ben's Rice with warmth, reliability and a certain down-to-earth, next-door-neighbor kind of respectability. Uncle Ben’s products may not be…
Los Angeles, California - The news media industry is in turmoil upon the announcement that Fox News has been officially diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. In a written press release, Fox stated that it had been in…
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