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Horoscopes

Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.

Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.

Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.

Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.

Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.

Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Monday, 02 July 2012 19:47

Cure for Insomnia Found, Sense and Sensibility

Written by  Matthew Kahn

Atlanta, Georgia - A study published in the International Journal on Sleep Studies claims to have discovered a cure for insomnia.  The article’s author, Dr. Montgomery Richmond, says that his findings will revolutionize the way insomnia is treated in men.  “The biggest problem in treating insomnia,” Dr. Richmond said, “is that the medication used to do so can be highly addictive and usually has serious side-effects.  My new method is completely drug-free and almost free of cost."

But what is this new treatment?  According to The Leaky Wiki’s resident Physiology/Phrenology expert, Dr. Gustav Schmidtenhauser, “The process is incredibly simple.  The insomniac simply reads ten to thirty pages of Sense and Sensibility.  At this point, it becomes nearly impossible for the reader to maintain consciousness.”

Although this method has been shown to work, doctors aren’t entirely sure how or why.  According to Dr. Richmond, “The initial hypothesis was that the tedious nature of the story made reading it similar to staring at a blank wall.  But upon further examination, we found that people in the test group had higher levels of estrogen than people in the control group, who were reading Huckleberry Finn and outdated tractor repair manuals.  Our current hypothesis is that the increased estrogen is causing a hormonal imbalance, exhausting the reader.  It’s the same thing that makes teenagers sleep for sixteen hours a day.”

While Sense and Sensibility have not been approved by the FDA as a treatment for insomnia, the American Medical Association has supported it as a treatment.  Sense and Sensibility is available over the counter at most bookstores.

 

Image Credit: Steve Eng on Flickr Creative Commons

 

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