London's Metropolitan Police Service issued a statement today outlining new plans to tackle rising knife crime in the city. Detective Chief Inspector Habblegade Bumquist stated that in order for the city to see a fall in knife-related crime a new tactic must be employed. He told our reporter, "We have worked for years on a positive strategy to prevent the carrying and use of knives within the gang community, and I believe we have finally found a solution. We are hoping our scheme will be welcomed with open arms within communities which are plighted by knife crime."
The police service in conjunction with The Department of Crime and Butchery at The University of Central London have recently introduced a scheme whereby local gang members can anonymously 'trade in' anything sharp and/or pointy in return for a sausage of equal length and width. "The idea behind the scheme is that the sausage, being a more humble weapon, will cause much less damage when used in an attack or in self defense," Bumquist continued. "I, and the rest of the force, feel offering a meaty alternative to the knife is essential for a reduction in gang-related deaths."
However, Blarthy Garmunch, CEO of the supermarket chain Splainsburries, has hit back at the scheme as "relative, but also completely unbalanced."
"The sausage is indeed humble; noble, even," he explained. "A sausage for a sword may seem appropriate for some but it is surely going to affect sales. I'm not sure reducing knife-related deaths is worth the projected 3.4% drop in sausage on sausage sales."
Namblid Ramblatch, MP for Mars's second moon, welcomed the scheme as revolutionary and "something Westminster was already considering."
The scheme has been rolled out in Brixton and will be activated around the city over the coming months.