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Horoscopes
Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.
Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.
Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.
Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.
Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.
Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
In a further sign that today’s teenagers have lost their moral compass, a local teenage lion fathered his 18th cub last night. Sources report that the 13 year old lion, named Alan, has fathered…
Los Angeles, California - Brad Sherman, a thirty two year old advertising executive from Studio City, left his apartment this morning at 7:32 a.m. Once out in the open, Sherman saw his breath, to the delight…
Colorado -- Although he claims one of the world’s greatest fortunes, mega-billionaire Thurston Holmes lives a life that could easily be that of a semi-retired lower middle class librarian. Rather than luxuriate in a sprawling mansion…
Dallas, TX - Less than three hours after the press released the recording of Mitt Romney complaining about the 47% of Americans dependent upon government services, Dallas native Harold Rickey, 52, bought the domain names 47percent.net…
Residents of Orlando, Florida were shocked and appalled today as local janitor, Jim Hasting, 52, professed his dislike for Christopher Nolan’s Batman Trilogy.
“I just don’t like it, is all,” he said, like a dick. “I’m…
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