A dramatic reboot was initiated for the Romney campaign today in South Carolina. Citing his incredible personal wealth of over $420 million dollars, Mitt Romney today promised voters to pool from a list of qualified candidates and outsource his task as Commander-in-Chief. Sources within the Romney campaign say this turn of strategy comes upon key demographic research indicating most Americans won’t support the campaign due to Mitt Romney.
“Make no mistake about it,” Romney said as he addressed the crowd in poofy mom-jeans and a pinstriped dress shirt, “I’m not a popular candidate. Most people understand that I loathe them, and they I. But that’s not what matters. I’ve been paying people to do things I don’t want to do all my life.” After a somber pause, Romney spoke with conviction as he raised his voice to a shout. “I am here today to promise you one thing and that promise is that I will not hire Barack Obama to be the next President of these United States!”
Appearing on stage with the GOP Nominee, a man behind a paper mask stood in for the potential candidate’s candidate for President. The crowd stirred in anticipation. “Who is behind the mask?” asked several journalists in attendance. Romney quickly dismissed speculation. “Oh, that’s just Paul Ryan.”
“Who is John Galt!” a masked Paul Ryan stated. Romney gave him a soft pat on the shoulder and a sympathetic smile.
“I told you once, Pauly, you can’t have John Galt, heh heh heh. He’s a fictional character created by Ayn Rand and doesn’t exist.” Romney gave Ryan an awkward shoulder-hug and reminded all in attendance that the office of the Vice President would be ineligible for applying for the proposed position.
But journalists were unsatisfied with the only clue being the exclusion of the Wisconsin Congressman. “Look, look,” Romney said, throwing up his hands. “I will work with congress to sort out all the details. I told you already, I’m hiring you a president. Isn’t that enough for you people?” Romney then took a question from the front row of the rally.
“How can America be certain you will hire a competent leader?” asked a FOX News reporter.
“Ah. Good question. I thought you might ask that,” Romney replied as he hoisted a large briefcase onto the podium and opened it for all to see. Stacks of $100 bills lined the case. “You see that? That’s fifty million dollars.” Romney explained. “We are going to put America back to work. Starting with a Chief Executive you can trust.”
When asked if Americans will have a say in whom he would hire in the event of winning the presidency, Romney replied, “Like you’d want to trust the average American to a decision like this.”