As the debate on gun violence rages in Congress and across the punditry, this reporter has found startling anecdotal evidence that the leading cause of violence is aggressive video games.
The Leaky Wiki talked with a self-confessed serial killer who says that video games drove him to murder.
“It was all like ‘do do do do dooo do do do.’ At first I was OK, but then I started hearing the patterns. When you play it backwards it’s not ‘do do do,’ its ‘od od od,’” said mentally-handicapped Richard Doop, a patient at Richmond Hospital for the Mentally Ill.
Doop, while explaining how the Tetris theme song was giving him instructions on who to kill and dismember, became violent and had to be removed by hospital personnel.
This reporter acquired access to Mr. Doop’s medical records while the nurse went outside for a smoke. Allegedly, Richard Doop has been forcibly placed in the mental hospital after a series of dog thefts in his hometown of Detroit, Michigan. Police found the dogs in his home after neighbors complained of noise. During his interrogation, Mr. Doop also confessed to a series of murders across Detroit and experimentation in such controversial acts as cannibalism and necrophilia.
His police record shows that he began his long criminal career in a failed bank robbery at the age of 11. He walked into the Detroit Central Banking building with a Monopoly card, informed the bank teller that he had “a bank error in my favor,” grabbed the pen chained to the counter and ran out. He was charged with the theft of the pen.
“Oh yeah, I remember that,” Doop confided to The Leaky Wiki after returning from his brief psychological breakdown. “I couldn’t help it. It was like Monopoly was speaking to me through demonic symbols and Community Chest cards; I was practically forced to do something reckless.”
Mr. Doop then went on to explain how Clue is a guide for committing a murder without a trace, and how every playing piece in Chess essentially symbolizes different varieties of prostitutes.