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Horoscopes
Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.
Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.
Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.
Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.
Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.
Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A giant meteorite which caused mass panic throughout the entire world population last week has turned out to be gay. Astronomers from Cambridge University England have today downgraded the meteorite to a grade 1 (low risk) and have…
Fattest Man in the World Told Punching Above his Weight Physically Impossible
Written by George Briscoe
Kevin Baxter 28 of Blackpool England, currently the worlds fattest man (112 st.), has been told his ambition to become a professional backing dancer/boxer is "completely out of his reach". The comment was made by local gastroenterologist Barrent…
Study Links XXL T-shirts to Obesity
Written by Matthew Kahn
A study published by the Copenhagen Institute of Health Sciences has linked the purchasing of XXL size t-shirts to obesity. The study published last week in The Danish Journal of Medicine found that people who reported…
The planet's oceans, which make up almost two-third's of the Earth's ground, is "getting wetter," according to Dr. Richard Manitoba of the Canadian Environmental Research Facility.
"Wetness levels of the oceans has been on the increase…
John B Gurdon of the University of Cambridge and Shinya Yamanaka of Kyoto University awarded the 2012 Nobel Prize with strings attached, according to a source close to the pair. Yamanaka says "religious groups are outraged…
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