Elephants came under fire today as Cornelius Pompadour, leader of the Official Men's National Overweight Movement, denounced them for not actually being fat, but merely big boned.
"We are sick of elephants and their big bones," Mr. Pompadour declared in a press conference held at the zoo. "They need to get fat or get gone."
Pompadour then announced that his group, with heavy backing from some unnamed big players in the snack and fast food industries, would take over the cost of care and feeding of the city zoo's elephants, provided that their food intake level was sufficient to make them overweight.
"No longer will my people have to claim to be big boned, and then realize that elephants, who are actually big boned, aren't even very fat at all."
But some zoologists aren't so sure. Reporters spoke with Crikey Mick, elephant caretaker, following the press conference.
"This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard," Mick spat, shaking his head in wonder. "It won't even work. Elephants are non-ruminant herbivores. They only digest about 40% of their food. It's all we can do to keep them at their natural weight."
When questioned about the viability of his plan and the zoologist's doubts, Pompadour was dismissive. "That is a load of crap. I once ate nothing but salads on a business trip to Tampa and I actually gained a pound. It's the dressing, you know."