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Horoscopes

Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.

Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.

Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.

Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.

Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.

Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011 16:25

Going Where No Lord Has Gone Before

Written by  Michael Lonergan

Pastor Richard Lovelock has a dream, or, more accurately, the Lord has a dream.  Lovelock, Pastor of Binary Truth Ministries, of Houston, Texas claims the Lord spoke to him in a dream. "The Lord came to me in a dream and proclaimed, 'I want to go to the Moon.'" Lovelock claims he was dubious about the message at first, but after much prayer and meditation, felt it was the right thing to do, "It's the least I can do for the Lord, since He's done so much for me."

Lovelock stood before his flock the following Sunday, and shared the message that the Lord had given him. The congregation, primarily made up of former NASA rocket scientists and engineers laid off due to the cancellation of the US Shuttle Program were giddy with enthusiasm after Lovelock shared his dream.

Bill "Woody" Hardwick enthusiastically stated, "To think that the Lord has chosen us for this special mission. It just kinda hits you right here."  Former astronaut, Freddy "Max-Q" Holden agreed, "You know, this may seem like a strange thing for the Lord to ask of us, but, we realize that His ways are higher than our ways, and, lets face it! There ain't no place higher than the Moon!"  Pastor Lovelock says that he sees this as an obligation to fulfil the commandment to "Go into all the world and preach the Gospel".  Since Lovelock plans to send the Lord to the Moon, he believes Binary Truth members will be extra blessed.  "The Good Book tells us to go the extra mile and the Good Lord will bless us. Well, we're not just going the extra mile - we're going the extra 250,000 miles! Besides, what else are a bunch of laid off and retired rocket scientists going to do?"

Lovelock plans on using parts left over from previous NASA Space Programs, such as the Apollo Moon Program, the recently ended Space Shuttle Program, and the cancelled Ares rocket program.  "We think there's enough parts left over that the guys can throw something together and get 'er done."

He  has already started a fund-raising campaign, "To Boldly Go Where No Lord Has Gone Before!" To date, the church has raised over 2/3 of the $5 Billion needed to acquire all the parts. "To be honest, the guys at NASA gave us a really good deal on this stuff, not just because we are a church ministry with some lofty goals, but because we're lookin' after a lot of guys that worked there for years."

The Lord was unavailable for comment.

 

 

 

 

 

comments  

 
0 #6 Jake Kaplan 2011-09-25 23:50
Keep it up Michael
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0 #5 Michael Lonergan 2011-09-25 22:21
Thanks for the feedback guys! This is my first entry. I just atarted writing again after a few years away from it.
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+1 #4 Jake Kaplan 2011-09-25 19:02
I love the "To Boldly Go Where No Lord Has Gone Before!" part.
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+1 #3 Patrick O'Brien 2011-09-23 09:58
here you go, guys. In the future, just put the title in the title, and upload the image where you're prompted. The system flips out when you copy and past into the wysiwig. Funny stuff!
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0 #2 Michael Lonergan 2011-09-23 08:49
Quoting Julien Blower:
I love the last line -- the only bad thing I can find is that you uploaded the picture twice.

I saw that, but I couldn't delete the second ppic for some reason.
Quote
 
 
+1 #1 Julien Blower 2011-09-23 07:22
I love the last line -- the only bad thing I can find is that you uploaded the picture twice.
Quote
 

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