Vienna, Austria- Scientists in Austria can let out a big sigh of relief. As of early Saturday morning, they have discovered the source to all of the world's bullshit. After years of research and countless studies, a group of scatologists, led by Dr. Gustav Hitler, have found that bullshit derives from the mineral, fecarium, a substance known to exist deep within the earth's crust. Hitler stated that “after thousands of years, the fecarium in our earth's makeup has built up to such a high level, we can now conclude it is indeed the source of all bullshit”
He later goes on to state that the discovery was not made until today because there simply had not been enough bullshit in the past. He had discovered the mineral in the past, but could not connect it to the bullshit of the world. He finally concluded, after seeing that the levels of fecarium seemed to be much higher in election years in the United States, that the substance was indeed the source of bullshit. It wasn't until this year, that Hitler was able to connect the two.
Hitler continues to explain that the fecarium has found it's way closer to the earth's surface and actually exists in the soil we use for agriculture, especially in the use of corn growing, one of the largest sources for all of our food products. When testing the levels of fecarium from different regions of the globe, Hitler came to the conclusion that the highest levels were in the U.S, Greece, Japan, China and Italy. It's already known that all five countries consume a high volume of food, but it wasn't until Hitler's discovery that the connection between food consumption and the percentage of liars and thieves in the countries' populations can be found.
Of his discovery, Hitler says, “now that we have found the source of bullshit, we can hope to contain it and make the world a much more honest place”. Hitler's life long goal has been to achieve peace, and he feels that without bullshit in the world, he's one step closer. When asked where his research will lead him now that he's discovered fecarium, Hitler says he's working on finding the source of human stupidity, saying it's alluded him for years.