Early on Christmas morning the nation and world's children woke up to much delight, finding presents aplenty under their household's Christmas trees; however, it has just been reported that three out of the four gifts received by the average kid on this supposedly joyous holiday has been, quoting seven-year-old Marissa Thompson, "really super stupid poo-poo-y."
"I asked for a pony and a big pretty rainbow-flavored lollipop this Christmas," whines Thompson, who rose out of bed at 5:00 a.m. only to find five light-weight boxes of sweaters awaiting her in the living room, "but all I got were these stupid itchy sweater thingies that look like poo-poo. I'm not even gonna give Santy Claus any milk and cookies next year for giving me all these dumb clothes."
Other children have apparently met these bold words with widespread agreement across the globe, from Marissa Thompson's hometown of Wasilla, Alaska to the suburbs of Marseille, France. Comments eight-year-old Jacques Lefevre upon opening a box containing an over-sized pair of socks, "Je déteste Noël, maintenant à cause de tous ces vêtements stupides!"
Not only have children begun to lose faith in the wonderfulness of Jolly Old St. Nick, but parents have also come under fire since the recent clothing outrage. "Last night after a crying fit, my little girl told me she thinks I'm in cahoots with Santa and we've set out to ruin her Christmases, and I just don't know what to say!" said professional mother Danielle Samson in a Parent Support Group meeting last night. "I'm beginning to think kids really don't like getting pants for presents!"
The disaster doesn't look like it will end there, either. A protest rally run by upset children has allegedly been planned for New Years Day in North Pole, New York. According to several parents of the rally leaders, it will feature over fifty local kids wailing into a loudspeaker for two hours.