According to inside sources at the Forest Lawn Cemetery in Hollywood, CA, deceased superstar Michael Jackson is indeed still not alive, following his tragic death 31 months ago. As of Tuesday, January 3rd, the former pop legend has reportedly made no attempts to leave his three hundred square foot mausoleum, let alone escape his gold-plated coffin.
“I been checkin’ every day,” said groundskeeper Rayjay Williams, as he tapped the end of his shovel on the door of the mausoleum. “Wait! You hear that? That you, Mike? Michael? Oh. Wait, no. Never mind. Yeah, no, he’s definitely still dead.”
Nevertheless, fans continue to line up outside Jackson’s tomb daily, hoping to catch a glimpse of the late pop legend’s zombified remains. Rumors that Jackson’s corpse is simply biding its time until January 23rd, 2012 (the 30th anniversary of Jackson’s hit single “Thriller”), at which point it will rise from the grave and reenact the classic 1982 music video, are still largely unfounded.
“There’s nothing wrong with having hope,” said diehard Jackson fan Keith Dunkleman, camped out beneath a makeshift tent made from a filthy tarp. “We figure that at this stage of decomposition, Michael probably looks pretty similar to his costume in ‘Thriller.’ He probably won’t even need makeup!”
Other fans disagree, contending that Jackson’s corpse looks exactly the same as the day he was buried. “I’m pretty sure he deliberately had his skin replaced with a high polymer plastic, so his perfect form would be preserved indefinitely,” stated Jackson aficionado Chuckie Reeble. “I first noticed it when I saw a picture of his nose, and I knew immediately. What other reason would he have a plastic nose, unless he was plastic? Vitiglio was just a cover. Now we know the truth.” Pausing briefly to stare determinedly into the distance, Reeble added, “just you wait. The second coming of MJ will be here soon, and then you’ll see. You’ll all see.”
Despite having shown no effort to claw his way out of his burial vault, ABC has reportedly bought the rights to Jackson’s comeback tour, dubbedThriller in Real Life. Said network head Chad McChaddington, “We here at ABC are dedicated to the memory of Michael Jackson. And if he chooses to come back from the afterlife to perform the most amazing concert in the history of the World, we want to honor his decision. If he doesn’t end up doing the concert, well, that’s just the way celebrities are.” Pausing briefly to make suggestive glances at a passing secretary, McChaddington added, “the afterlife must be pretty great; in the history of Hollywood, no celebrity has ever felt compelled enough to come back to life and entertain their beloved fans. But we believe that Michael Jackson had a special relationship with his followers, and we’re confident that he won’t disappoint.”
As of press time, none of Jackson’s relatives had any comment as to whether or not the late pop star plans on rising from the grave, despite being repeatedly asked from the back of a pickup truck with a megaphone on several occasions.
PHOTO: Luiz Fernando / Sonia Maria, flickr