Vienna, Austria - A recently published study by the International Anthropological Association makes claims that could rattle the very foundation of our understanding of early human behavior. The report, based on six years of research in over a dozen nations, claims that early homo sapiens “had frequent and fervent intimate relations with a multitude of non- homo sapiens beings. i.e., they screwed everything they could.”
The researchers used cave art, fossils, and ancient artifacts to reach their conclusion. The first major piece of evidence was discovered accidentally in the Lascaux caves in France. Already famous for its cave paintings, a team of Australian researchers found a chamber that had been hitherto closed off by a cave-in. Paintings in the cave depict human men and women mid-coitus with over eighteen species of large mammals and several amphibians. The chamber (since named “The Cave of Interspecies Knowledge”) led researchers to question some of their beliefs about what, if anything, early humans wouldn’t stick their dick in.
A re-evaluation of previously discovered fossil evidence using recently advanced genetic testing techniques, along with newly uncovered fossils, has provided physical proof for the new theory. Ronald McIntyre, who headed the study, spoke briefly with The Leaky Wiki over the phone. “We can’t be completely certain, but as far as we know, early homo sapiens stuck their naughty bits in just about everything.” When asked to comment on Reverend Jeremiah Hanks’s summary of the study (that “early man fucked everything that moved”), McIntyre replied that “Hanks’s summary is completely incorrect. If he had actually read the research, he would know that early man fucked a lot of things that didn’t move. And there were some things that did move that they didn’t subject to the ol’ in and out [sic].” When asked for examples, McIntyre replied that “[w]e have no evidence that any of them ever buggered a sea cucumber.”
Linda Royce, a professor of Anthropology at Yale University, said of the study, “The findings of these researchers is truly important. Until now, we only believed that early man only played hide the pickle with other humans, Neanderthals, Cro-Magnon, apes, pigs, sheep, goats, cows, and the occasional bullfrog. If they actually did the nasty with everything, we’d have to rewrite all of the textbooks.”
The study has yet to be accepted by the scientific community, awaiting further research.