In what has been heralded as a widely-accepted economic innovation, the Obama Administration has today announced plans to suspend payment of tens of billions of dollars in sovereign debt by launching the leaders of key banking institutions into deep outer space. The plan calls for the construction of several single-use space vehicles, what is expected to create tens of thousands of jobs in the aerospace and aeronautics industry, as well as construction and operations.
"This ushers in a bold new era of American space exploration," said President Obama, giving a speech before a labor rally in Pennsylvania. "We may need bankers to run our financial institutions. On the other hand, they just might be single-handedly responsible for the financial meltdown that continues to plague us today. We really don’t know. We will not be walking away from our debts, nor will we be honoring them. We are simply getting rid of the problem by placing it as far away as humanely possible."
Members of congress have so far offered tepid, but bi-partisan support. Senate Budget Committee member Chuck Grassley (R-IA), while a ardent supporter of the 2008 and 2009 Wall Street Bailouts, conceded the viability of the plan. In a statement issued this morning, he said, "It is my hope that with strong Republican leadership, this project may lead to the development of new and innovative financial instruments. We may finally answer the age-old question, is there collateralized debt obligation on Mars?"
Chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs, Lloyd Blankfein, was named among the first list of prospective deployees. He told reporters, "Americans may think that this will prevent insolvency in their financial markets, however, it will not. What the Obama Administration has failed to take into consideration is the considerable space-time dilation that occurs during space travel. Since interest is compounded in Earth-time, those aboard these spacecraft will see significant gains, relativity speaking, on dividends in their investments."
Led by a 16-point stock gain in Boeing and an unprecedented 24-point increase in Lockheed Martin, the Dow Jones Industrial Average rallied to close up 2% on the quarter on news of the proposal.
Portugal, Spain, Greece, France, and Ireland have committed themselves to developing their own space programs in earnest, with the hopes of one day launching their own financiers into space. Recently elected French president Francois Hollande, when asked by reporters what the bankers will do during their permanent voyage into deep outer space, remarked, "Eat shit."