Matt Kahn has been with the community since back in the DAY. Several marriages, dozens of lawsuits, from rags to riches, riches to rags. All within about thirteen months. Read his stuff. It's healthy for you. And visit his site. It is also healthy.
Movie star heartthrob Ryan Reynolds, star of films like The Green Lantern and The Proposal, is changing up his career track, according to a press release sent out by his agent. Don’t worry, Reynolds will still be in making films… as a Ryan Gosling double. “This is the best career move for my client at this point in time,” the press release said. Ryan Gosling, the academy award nominated actor who starred in acclaimed films like Drive and Half-Nelson, responded to the news, saying that he was “pleased to have Reynolds on his team.”
A source inside Reynolds’s entourage gave The Leaky Wiki an exclusive peak into Reynolds’s preparation for his new role. “For about a month, my man Ry R. [sic] will shadow Ry G. Follow him around day and night, see how he do. When that’s done, Ry R. will take to the streets pretending to be Ry G. Won’t nobody notice nothing.” In a later conversation with the source, we were told, “if all else fails, he could always do bachelorette parties… as Ry G.”
Los Angeles, California - Brad Sherman, a thirty two year old advertising executive from Studio City, left his apartment this morning at 7:32 a.m. Once out in the open, Sherman saw his breath, to the delight of the crowd gathered to watch this annual tradition. “Six more weeks!” cheered Angela Green, a waitress from West Hollywood.
This is Sherman’s third year as the Angelino. According to local tradition, when the Angelino sees his breath that means there are only six weeks left until swimsuit season. Harry Tessup, 52, a local historian, has been to every Angelino Day event for the last 23 years. “I first went with my dad when I was just six or seven,” Tessup told The Leaky Wiki, “Ever since then, I’ve been in love with the tradition.” As are many other locals, for whom this quaint tradition has special significance.
Every year, dozens crowd together, huddled against temperatures as low as 50 degrees, just waiting to catch a glimpse of the Angelino. “I just can’t wait for the weather to heat up,” said Angela Green. This is a sentiment shared with many of the other attendees. “It’s so cold I have to wear layers!” declared John Reson, a line cook from Century City.
Cheers and sighs of relief fill the air when Sherman leaves his domicile. He rubs his hands together, exhales and looks surprised and slightly confused as the vapor rises in front of his face. More cheers from the crowd. After Sherman drives off, the crowd begins to disperse. As he climbs into his car, John Reson says, “Just six more weeks! Thank god. Three months of wearing sweaters and shit is too long.”
Photo courtesy of iamchad on the flickr.com creative commons
Seceding from your union is never easy, especially when you’ve been together for a century or so, but sometimes it’s the only option. There’s no point in laying blame, sometimes two governments just drift apart over time, until one day you realize that you have nothing in common. If there’s no chance of reconciliation, sometimes the only thing to do is strike out on your own and try being an independent state for a while. Secession is not an easy topic to discuss, but if you’re going to secede, it’s important to do it right. What follows are some tips to make a smooth transition out of your union.
Separate your belongings: The longer you’ve been together, the more of you r old nation’s stuff you’ll have lying around. Take an inventory of what’s yours and what’s not, and give your old government time to collect its things. Battleships, jets, and other military assets are going to be the first things your old government will want back, and it will take time to move them all back to its territory. Infrastructure that the old federal government paid for but is inextricable from your soil (e.g. interstate highways) is yours to keep.
Money: You’ll save a lot of trouble farther down the road if you separate your old nation’s currency from yours. After you secede, you can’t expect your old nation to keep stocking your Federal Reserve banks with currency! Pick a new currency that says “I have a strong and robust economy!” You’ll also want to create your own government issued identification (e.g. passports, drivers’ licenses).
Tally expenses: In any long term union, expenses get spread out across all parties involved and it becomes easy to forget who pays for what. But if you’re going to be an independent state, you better get your fiscal ducks in a row. Imagine how embarrassing it would be to wake up one morning and realize that you haven’t paid your armed forces!
Maintain a relationship with your old government: You may not see eye to eye anymore, but there’s no use in burning any bridges! Staying on good terms with your old nation is a must (just look at North Korea if you don’t believe me). There’s a lot they still have to offer. For instance, a lot of resources you depend on will come from your old union. A nasty secession can lead to high tariffs, or even a trade embargo!
Seceding can be scary, but your happiness as an independent state is important.
In our attempt to bring you the best, most up to date news, The Leaky Wiki is proud to present another piece of investigative journalism.
Like most of my investigative assignments, this one started with an unexpected visit from The Leaky Wiki’s owner, Patrick O’Brien. He staggered into my office wearing a Dolphins jersey, yelled something about voter fraud, and left. Normally, I wouldn’t think anything of it, but that was the only time any one had seen Patrick in over six months.
As anyone who follows politics knows, there is currently quite a lot of controversy over new voter registration and ID laws meant to prevent voter fraud; controversy that has gotten the world’s top political minds involved. Everyone from John Stewart to Sarah Silverman has had a go at it. And now me. My first stop was the Republican National Headquarters in Washington D.C. where I sat down with spokesman Sean Spicer. What follows is a portion of the interview:
MK: Let’s talk about Florida’s new voter registration laws.
SS: Sure. The new law requires that all registration forms be submitted within 48 hours of being filled out, instead of ten days.
MK: How will this reduce fraud?
SS: Simple. People won’t have enough time to commit forgery on the documents.
MK: Maybe if they’re amateurs. I was able to forge my security clearance in under five minutes.
After I was escorted from the building, I headed south, down Florida way. In the spirit of journalistic integrity, I figured I should probably talk to someone on the opposite side of the issue. I walked into the headquarters of Wildlife Preservation Alliance, a small voter registration outfit that focused on animal rights. Their main office was located in one room of an abandoned warehouse. I sat on a couch that had seen better days (presumably before it was dredged from the ocean), picked up a copy of Cat Fancy, and tried not to suffocate from the fog of patchouli. I hadn’t called ahead, figuring that the element of surprise might afford me some advantage.
A middle-aged woman whose nametag identified her as Joanne entered the office by a door leading to the empty warehouse. “What do you think about voter fraud!” I shrieked. Unfortunately, my element of surprise approach worked to well, because Joanne screamed and ran back into the warehouse. I followed and made a startling discovery.
Inside the warehouse, dozens of men and women stood at long tables, filling out stacks of voter registration forms. I was almost immediately knocked out by a blow to the back of my head. When I awoke, I was tied to a chair. A man stood before me, wearing a sinister black suit, with a sinister red tie, twirling his sinister mustache.
“You’re pretty clever, aren’t you?” he said.
“Well, I try.” I said. I’m a sucker for flattery.
“How did you find out about our operation?”
The man sneered, sinisterly. “Our voter fraud operation. We’re taking names from the pet cemetery and registering them to vote.”
“Wait a minute,” I said, things were starting to make sense. “Wasn’t that what Sideshow Bob did in The Simpsons?”
The man let out a cartoonishly sinister laugh. Then he knocked me out again.
Six hours later, I woke up outside The Leaky Wiki’s headquarters wearing a Dolphins jersey and with no memory as to how I got there.
Photo courtesy of Noah Fontes on the Flicker.com creative commons
A study published by the Copenhagen Institute of Health Sciences has linked the purchasing of XXL size t-shirts to obesity. The study published last week in The Danish Journal of Medicine found that people who reported purchasing XXL size (or larger) t-shirts within the last year were more than eight times as likely to be obese than those who purchased only XL or smaller sized t-shirts.
According to The Leaky Wiki’s resident Fashion Scientist, Gloria Estevez: “The connection between XXL t-shirts and obesity is too strong to be coincidence. People who purchase XXL t-shirts are considerably more likely to develop weight related diseases, such as diabetes and high blood pressure.”
Marsha Hinks, owner of Tiny-T’s (a TLW subsidiary), responded to the study, saying that, “[t]he XXL t-shirt market has, for decades, been getting away with selling a product that is directly related to health problems. Every time sales of XXL-tees increase, so do obesity rates. Not to mention that people who wear XXL-tees generally report poor physical stamina, excessive sweating, self-esteem issues, and countless other physical and psychological problems. It’s about time people got the truth.”
Spokesmen for the plus size t-shirt industry have claimed that there product is perfectly safe. In a press release, Fred Amherst, a lobbyist for the tall and wide clothing industry, said that: “There is no evidence that our products do any of the things they’re accused of doing.”
The author of the study was not contacted for comment.
Photo Courtesy of Emilio Labrador on the Flickr.com creative commons.