Yet another announcement was made by a controversial politician today regarding the so-called "fiscal cliff," leaving America with new impatience and hatred for somebody. Probably Obama or something.
Many researchers have observed that there seems to be a rather significant increase of news about the fiscal cliff in the United States in the last month, for reasons that probably involve the struggling economy and those crazy conservatives and stuff. According to some other experts, there is also a high chance at the moment of the fiscal cliff resulting in a sort of "media cliff," in which the amount of media outlets reporting news regarding the fiscal cliff topples over fifty percent.
There is also speculation as to whether this fiscal cliff exists or not. The Leaky Wiki spoke with Terry Jennings, a Detroit-born homeless man, who gave his opinion on the matter: "You know, I be [sic] a'hearin' [sic] a buncha [sic] shizzle [sic] 'bout [sic] dis [sic] fizzle cliff [sic] thang [sic], but I dunno [sic] if dat [sic] thang [sic] even be existin' [sic]. I mean, come on, y'eva [sic] hearda [sic] some kinda [sic] big cliff in 'Murica [sic] that don't [sic] have some dude's face on it or sumpin' [sic]?"
At press time, it was reported that the fiscal cliff might actually be a metaphor.
Mitt Romney today dismissed 100% of Americans as “pathetic wastes of human flesh,” as well as “third-heaven vermin,” and said that he was “tired of the poor and the hungry and the decrepit.” Amazingly enough, Romney also charged that he thinks they should all vote for him because they most want to be like him, that is, rich out of his mind and free to do as he pleases. “Voting for me is like buying a lottery ticket,” continued Mr. Romney. “Only total idiots with no money buy lottery tickets. But you know what, one idiot in a hundred million is going to hit it big, not as big as me, of course, but still better than where they are now. And that’s more than Barack Obama is promising you!” Astonishingly then, Mr. Romney announced the “Lucky Voter Lottery,” wherein he promises to give one million dollars to just one of the voters who can prove that they voted for Romney in the upcoming election. “There’s a sucker born every minute,” blasted Romney, “and I intend to find that one sucker and make him a rich sucker. It works for the lottery, it will work for me. But,” he added with a wink, “you have to be IN it, to WIN it!”
Early poll numbers already show that as many of 75% of the American public Mitt Romney was addressing approve heartily of his remarks, and even more of them, as many as 90%, are enthralled with the idea of a “Lucky Voter Lottery.” Almost all of the people this reporter interviewed said they felt they had a shot at winning the lottery, and even though they were reminded that Mr. Romney had described them as “pathetic” and “moochers,” no one had trouble accepting that. J.J. Sweeney, of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, offered the following insight: “He’s just like Jesus, ain’t he? He reminds us we’re pathetic sinners, but then offers us the chance of true salvation through riches. I plan on gittin’ rich, wouldn’t you?” Mr. Sweeney was asked if he did not find the slurs about the white poor from Romney somewhat insulting. “Naw, as long as he don’t take my guns away, like that criminal drug-addict Obama, who everyone knows is a Muslim foreigner that the Iranians have bought. Why do you think we haven’t attacked Iran yet?” Sweeney rubbed his fingers together and his eyebrows danced up and down. “He’s a grubbin’ Mozzle, that’s why, and I heard he’s got crack pipes hidden all over the White House!”
A Romney aide added, “We’re counting on fat, white, stupid rednecks who think college football is about education and that the South will rise again. These people are this country’s future, at least, outside of the East or West coasts! I call them the Red Bulls in the Red States!” Astonishingly, every person who might be fairly categorized by this description indicated that they not only approved of it, but they agreed with it entirely and even applauded Mr. Romney for calling America stupid to its face. “I ain’t pretendin to be smart or nuthin! I mean, I ain’t as stupid as Honey Boo Boo’s family, now that is some trash,” said Skyler Joppy as he chain smoked while working underneath his ’76 Ranchero. “And if I ain’t as stupid as they is, then I got a shot at a million bucks too!”
We reached out to Honey Boo Boo’s family for comment, but they demanded a “comment fee” because they thought we wanted to use their responses as part of our own pseudo-reality series called, “Fat, Trashy, and Proud.” Mrs. Honey Boo Boo, the mother of the exploited Toddler pageantry queen, was recorded as saying, “Y’all can’t make that show, cause we already done it! And hell yeah we’re votin’ for Romney, even Honey Boo Boo, cause we still got her dead granny’s voting ID with us! TLC ain’t payin' all the bills, Paw wanted to open his own ammo and trucker-trash shop, so we need the money!”
The Unification Church mourned the recent loss of its great Founder, Reverend Sun-Myung Moon, and in spite of his followers' expectations of an immortal Messiah, are relieved to learn that Reverend Moon's child Kook Moon will be picking up where the great Leader left off. Just yesterday he conducted a 20,000 couple massive wedding and is already directing members to sell plastic weeds to motorists who may be stopped at busy intersections in major cities.
Among the most colorful tributes to the late Reverend was a eulogy staged by a major Pentecostal church in Jonesboro, Arkansas. The ceremony featuring three prominent preachers who took turns expressing their heartfelt appreciation for Reverend Moon by demonstrating their gift for speaking in tongues. The Leaky Wiki was fortunate enough to have a correspondent present at the Service, and the following is an excerpt of the transcript, transcribed exactly as it was heard, of the three Pentecostal speakers who spoke in succession:
Speaker 1: a, ta, tikarika, tika tika. tika, Moon, tiki taki ti, Jesus, taki tiki ta, taka kata taka, a ta ata Jesus tata, riki tiki, kaka, Moon.
Speaker 2: Shoobe doo, doobee shoobee, Moon unit shoo, Shoobeshoo, Jesus yooyoo, shoosha sheeba sheebe, heebee jeebee shoo shoo choo choo, Jesus, shoo Moon Moon!
Speaker 3: ba, lo, ta, Moon, ti, ka, la , kati ka, Moon moon moon moon moon moomoo, lo ba lolo ba tatata, kaka, Jesus baba, tiki tata, Moon.
The speakers reminded everyone that these angelic languages, while mystifying to most present, were most certainly intended for the angelic audience anxious to hear about the great accomplishments of Reverend Moon, who will not soon be forgotten.
Most astonishing of all, however, was when Reverend Moon pet Sapsali took the podium and had the microphone adjusted for her small stature. The Reverend's six year-old constant companion panted impatiently into the microphone, glanced nervously back and forth at the crowd, and then gave four short yelps. This was widely interpreted to be a loving homage to her former owner. The little creature, called Bring by those on the inner circle, wore a gold-studded collar from which hung pendants of all major currencies.
"Arf Moon Arf Arf!"
In a startling revelation today, Mitt Romney accused the “liberal media” of inventing Greenland, and anything to do with Greenland, as he now insists “it is not a real place.” The peculiar outburst came when reporters were asking the Republican Presidential nominee about his opinion about global warming, greenhouse gases, and the record amounts of ice-shelf melting in the summer of 2012, as of September 2012 more than 50% melted. “Well, you know what I think?” snorted Mr. Romney. “ I think ‘Greenland,’ or whatever you’re calling it, is a hoax. I know that liberal cartographers have been putting it on maps for hundreds of years, and that Commie Groucho Marx probably thought it was real too, but I’ve never seen Greenland, have you? I’ve never been there. In any airport I have ever been, I’ve never seen any planes flying to “Greenland.” In fact, I’ve never heard of one city in this fairyland make-believe place you call Greenland. Also, if it’s called Greenland, why is it *supposedly* covered in an ice shelf? What fool would call a place covered in ice GREEN land?”
“Besides which,” Mr. Romney’s rant continued, “I know lots of really, really rich people, and no one I know owns ‘Greenland’ or has ever even been to so-called ‘Greenland.’ I asked all of my friends. I said, ‘Have you ever been to this place called Greenland?’ And they all said, get this, ‘How could anyone go to Greenland?’ So I am here to tell you that it simply cannot exist. No one can even go there! And this whole nonsense about melting ice, greenhouse gases, and global warming, or whatever pseudo-scientific garbage the liberal media keeps spewing at us, why, they can’t even point to a real place this is happening, so they invented this place called ‘Greenland.’ Look, you people, Ann and I have several dozen greenhouses, several of which are about the size of the Great Mormon Tabernacle in Salt Lake City, and we never had any problems with gases in our greenhouses, no matter how big they were. Well I’m not falling for this garbage, and neither should you, it’s a big lie, and no one in the good old US of A needs to worry about greenhouse gases, melting ice caps, or some never-never land called “Greenland.”
When reporters sought to assure Mr. Romney that Greenland has been a scientifically accepted place for centuries, and that there was photographic evidence of it existing, he began to laugh at the reporters and ridicule them. “Look,” he jeered, “how much more proof do you need? If you look up the Latter-Day Saints Church news, or even the almanac showing worldwide membership, you won’t find one single person or story listed in this place called Greenland. So, let’s see, there are no Mormons there, the (Mormon periodical) Church News has never written an article about Greenland, and no one has ever been sent on a mission to this fictional place. Now, are you trying to make me look stupid?” The reporters assured Mr. Romney that was the last thing on their mind. “Pictures,” Mr. Romney concluded, “mean absolutely nothing. You showing me a picture of the Rockies in Northern Utah and calling it ‘Greenland’ isn’t going to convince me. If Greenland were a real place we would surely have read about it in the Book of Mormon, or at least the Bible. Jesus did not go to this fictional ‘Greenland,’ but he did come to America.” And with that the candidate began to whistle a happy tune, and strolled away.
Lifetime television has announced a new reality dance program, to feature "Dance Moms" Abby Lee Miller, called "Dance or Be Devoured." Twelve full-figured dancers will compete for the ultimate prize, or face the ultimate sacrifice. The prize is a weeklong eating contest with Abby Lee Miller on an exotic cruise; as for the eliminated contestant each week--well, we're coming to that.
(Above: Abby Lee Miller is seen contemplating whether a particularly bad child dancer would go better with mashed sweet potatoes or steak tartare.)
For those unfamiliar with the longstanding staple of the Lifetime television network, "Dance Moms" is a supposed 'docu-series' on the Lifetime television network. This show is described by the network as part documentary, part series--actually, it is all indigestion.
At the gravitational center of Lifetime Network's "Dance Moms" is the vast girth of Abby 'Umungus' Lee Miller. The calorically challenged Abby Lee Miller (supposedly) coaches pre-teen girls how to (supposedly) perform as dancers. In the show Abby Lee Miller alternates between taunting, ridiculing, or otherwise bellowing at the children, and then taunting, ridiculing, or otherwise bellowing at their mothers. (It is called Dance MOMS, after all.) Many moms have admitted that they sent their children to Abby Lee Miller in order to punish their daughters for bad behavior, not necessarily to teach them how to dance. A show that centers on a gigantic troll woman bullying small and withering girls just because she's Jabba the Hutt in an ugly polyester pantsuit may seem entertaining, but we (supposedly) need to have a reason for these children to be there. Thus was added the dance aspect, and the disguise of dance coach is pretty thin to cover someone the size and temperament of an ogre like Abby Lee, the Bloated One herself.
The new show, "Dance or Be Devoured," is a dance competition with a twist: the loser of the weekly trial will be offered up as a sacrifice to the Goddess of Big Bellies and Lame Entertainment (also known as GOBBLE) and then eaten ceremoniously by GOBBLE herself: in human form, Abby Lee Miller, of course! This is set to be a regular part of the conclusion of each weekly installment. GOBBLE has an altar erected on the set of the stage, and it features an overblown image of Abby Lee's gigantic open mouth, with the words FEED ME boldly printed above it and the word NOW printed below it. Apparently speakers placed deep inside the enormous mouth also reel off recordings of Abby Lee's hoarse laughter from when she occasionally, and inconveniently, breaks wind during rehearsals. The mouth is set to release other gastronomic noises as suitable, for instance, to distract competitors while they are performing, or merely to bring attention back to Abby Lee Miller's raucous and terrifying mannerisms.
Being considered a Deity is nothing new for Abby Lee Miller. Occasionally, on "Dance Moms," she will invoke her own name as an oath, or a sworn utterance. "By Abby Lee Miller, I will not allow this pathetic act to start the show tonight!" she sometimes says. Or, "Do you know who I am? I am Abby Lee Miller, and I demand that you obey my commands!" The children are also coached to say, when astonished, "Oh My Abby Lee Miller!" While Miller may seem to be larger than life, her grandeur and divinity is clearly in her mind, and quite possibly in her stomach.
The idea for the new show came during filming of this past season's "Dance Moms." After a grouchy Abby Lee showed up one morning late last November, complaining that the drive-thru only had seven Egg McMuffins instead of her usual nine that she orders, the day went from bad to worse. Around mid-morning, struck by a particularly acute hunger pang, Abby Lee blurted out, "I'm so hungry I could eat a Dance Mom!" It was nearing Thangsgiving, and Abby Lee sensed (nay, she knew) that eating was in the air. But, some of the little ones knew also, and became frightened. As the children glanced nervously at each other, hoping that they were not becoming little chicken wings and drumsticks in the eyes of the Big Bad Gaping Mouth, some mothers started yelling that they also were "so hungry," but not quite that hungry, but enough that "they could eat a child, or two." Such was the profound impact that Miller's raging appetite exerts influence on all those other adult women around her. Abby Lee's demands became more urgent, as she groaned loudly, "I NEED MEAT, NOW!!!" Thankfully, as it was near Thanksgiving, a producer rushed in with an 18 pound cooked and stuffed turkey (brought up from the studio kitchens earlier in the day as a precaution) to distract Abby Lee Miller and the mothers until order could be restored.
Then, it hit the producer: perhaps Abby Lee's ever increasing appetite could be harnessed, and ultimately satisfied only with the taste of Long Pig, meaning, human flesh. And thus an idea was born: Abby Lee Miller, the Grande Dame of Gluttony, Ms. Carnivore Cannibal, the Great Devourer of All Flesh, will eat you alive, literally, if you do not dance with all the chops you can muster. Talk about exciting drama!
Apparently, however, the competitors of the new show were a little confused about the real consequence of elimination in a particular round. For instance, since Abby Lee Miller is known as a blowhard who says things like, "I eat people like you for breakfast!" they merely concluded she was using a metaphor, and did not actually mean what she said. Little did they realize that Abby Lee Miller never jokes around about EATING. Another pet expression of hers, "I can't wait to sink my teeth into you and chomp your guts out!" was always taken as her way of expressing how much of a professional she was, that the *dance* routine had to be just right. No, in fact, she means, she can't wait to sink her teeth into you and chomp your guts out. But, the competitors had to learn this lesson the hard way.
So a big thank you to Lifetime television for bringing us more of Abby Lee Miller. We can't wait to watch as her mouth, the yawning chasm that devours anything in its path, eats through almost a dozen contestants, until we reach the Grand Prize for the winner, the last dancer not to be devoured, to win the ultimate prize: to join Abby Lee Miller on an all-you-can-eat themed cruise, to last for seven hedonistic days and nights of steady, heavy, eating, featuring such delicacies on board as Elephant Fricassee, Braised Blue Whale, and Fried Filipino. This is set to be staged as a marathon eating session until either the winner breaks down and gives up, or Abby Lee retains her crown as the biggest, fattest, most gluttonous GOBBLE of them all.