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Horoscopes

Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.

Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.

Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.

Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.

Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.

Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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