The Leaky Wiki

BREAKING NEWS

Kim and Kanye's Baby to be Named Kristmas

Phish Ticket Sales Down after Marijuana Legalization in CO

Obama's Favorite Movie is Paul Blart Mall Cop

Lizzie from Arcade Game Rampage is a Reality after Shale Gas Water Supply Contamination

Mars Curiosity Kills Cat

Man On Diet Of Toothpaste "Still Minty" after Six Years

John Boehner to Star in The Sound of Music on Broadway

Cats Apparently a Big Thing on the Internet

Mars Curiosity Rover Finds Rock Blah Blah Blah

"Yeah. Sure," Says Person Who Isn't Listening to a Goddamn Thing I Say

6:46:46 pm EDT PM

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

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Horoscopes

Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.

Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.

Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.

Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.

Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.

Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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Mass Murderer Weighs in on Video Game Violence; "Tetris told me to kill them"

Written by Jake Kaplan and Julien Blower

As the debate on gun violence rages in Congress and across the punditry, this reporter has found startling anecdotal evidence that the leading cause of violence is aggressive video games.

The Leaky Wiki talked with a…

Millions of Children Out of Work

Written by Josh Triantafilou

The United States Department of Labor released a troubling report this week revealing that the jobless rate among Americans 13 and younger has been hovering around a whopping 100% for the past year.

In light of…

Fred Phelps to Star in Freddy v. Jason Remake

Written by Jake Kaplan and Julien Blower

Universal Studios has confirmed a rumor that Fred Phelps, the leader of the anti-happiness club Westboro Baptist Church, will star in the upcoming Freddy vs. Jason remake.The under-production film, under the working title Freddy v. Jason:…

Navy Unveils New “Unsinkable” Submarine

Written by Josh Triantafilou

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA—After more than a decade of design and development, the United States Navy revealed its latest high-tech project today: the USS Kansas of the new Las Vegas-class of submarines.

The USS Kansas boasts a number…

Longhorn Impales Las Vegas Conference Goers

Written by Billy Thakid

An Austin, Texas-based technology start-up accidentally released a 2,000 pound Texas longhorn bull at Caesar's Palace this week, which proceeded to indiscriminately gore attendees and speakers. The start-up was trying to make an impression on Fortune…

Something Something Fiscal Cliff Something

Written by Julien Blower

Yet another announcement was made by a controversial politician today regarding the so-called "fiscal cliff," leaving America with new impatience and hatred for somebody. Probably Obama or something.

Many researchers have observed that there seems to…