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BREAKING NEWS

Kim and Kanye's Baby to be Named Kristmas

Phish Ticket Sales Down after Marijuana Legalization in CO

Obama's Favorite Movie is Paul Blart Mall Cop

Lizzie from Arcade Game Rampage is a Reality after Shale Gas Water Supply Contamination

Mars Curiosity Kills Cat

Man On Diet Of Toothpaste "Still Minty" after Six Years

John Boehner to Star in The Sound of Music on Broadway

Cats Apparently a Big Thing on the Internet

Mars Curiosity Rover Finds Rock Blah Blah Blah

"Yeah. Sure," Says Person Who Isn't Listening to a Goddamn Thing I Say

2:29:37 pm EDT PM

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

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Horoscopes

Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.

Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.

Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.

Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.

Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.

Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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Longhorn Impales Las Vegas Conference Goers

Written by Billy Thakid

An Austin, Texas-based technology start-up accidentally released a 2,000 pound Texas longhorn bull at Caesar's Palace this week, which proceeded to indiscriminately gore attendees and speakers. The start-up was trying to make an impression on Fortune…

Something Something Fiscal Cliff Something

Written by Julien Blower

Yet another announcement was made by a controversial politician today regarding the so-called "fiscal cliff," leaving America with new impatience and hatred for somebody. Probably Obama or something.

Many researchers have observed that there seems to…

Editorial: Tips for Seceding from an Unhealthy Union

Written by Matthew Kahn

Seceding from your union is never easy, especially when you’ve been together for a century or so, but sometimes it’s the only option. There’s no point in laying blame, sometimes two governments just drift apart over…

Economy Facing Shortage of Go-Getters and Team-Players

Written by Josh Triantafilou

A recent report commissioned by the Bureau of Economic and Business Affairs has found that the economy is facing a desperate shortage of both go-getters and team-players. The news comes amid signs of a worsening economy,…

“Uncle Ben” Found Drunk Swimming in Vat of Soup

Written by Josh Triantafilou

For generations, Mr. Ben Brown or “Uncle Ben” as he is known to many, has represented Uncle Ben's Rice with warmth, reliability and a certain down-to-earth, next-door-neighbor kind of respectability. Uncle Ben’s products may not be…

TLW Investigates: Living In A Postbox

Written by Matt Upchuck

The other day I was considering how big a postbox is. It is big in terms of how many letters you could fit inside it, I could not imagine a postbox being completely filled with letters…