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BREAKING NEWS

Kim and Kanye's Baby to be Named Kristmas

Phish Ticket Sales Down after Marijuana Legalization in CO

Obama's Favorite Movie is Paul Blart Mall Cop

Lizzie from Arcade Game Rampage is a Reality after Shale Gas Water Supply Contamination

Mars Curiosity Kills Cat

Man On Diet Of Toothpaste "Still Minty" after Six Years

John Boehner to Star in The Sound of Music on Broadway

Cats Apparently a Big Thing on the Internet

Mars Curiosity Rover Finds Rock Blah Blah Blah

"Yeah. Sure," Says Person Who Isn't Listening to a Goddamn Thing I Say

8:35:46 pm EDT PM

Saturday, 18 May 2013

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Horoscopes

Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.

Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.

Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.

Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.

Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.

Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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Hedge Fund Titan Builds Prison for Corporate Drones

Written by Elisabeth Gruber

Recent zoning documents reveal that a reclusive hedge fund titan plans on including a helipad, a floating recreational barge and a marina in his new $750 million office. Bridgewater is the world’s most successful hedge fund,…

Mega-Billionaire Lives Boring, Stupid Life

Written by Josh Triantafilou

Colorado -- Although he claims one of the world’s greatest fortunes, mega-billionaire Thurston Holmes lives a life that could easily be that of a semi-retired lower middle class librarian. Rather than luxuriate in a sprawling mansion…

Fattest Man in the World Told Punching Above his Weight Physically Impossible

Written by George Briscoe

Kevin Baxter 28 of Blackpool England, currently the worlds fattest man (112 st.), has been told his ambition to become a professional backing dancer/boxer is "completely out of his reach". The comment was made by local gastroenterologist Barrent…

TLW Investigates: Voter Fraud

Written by Matthew Kahn

In our attempt to bring you the best, most up to date news, The Leaky Wiki is proud to present another piece of investigative journalism.

Like most of my investigative assignments, this one…

Study Links XXL T-shirts to Obesity

Written by Matthew Kahn

A study published by the Copenhagen Institute of Health Sciences has linked the purchasing of XXL size t-shirts to obesity. The study published last week in The Danish Journal of Medicine found that people who reported…

Fox News Diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia

Written by Matthew Kahn

Los Angeles, California - The news media industry is in turmoil upon the announcement that Fox News has been officially diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. In a written press release, Fox stated that it had been in…