The Leaky Wiki

BREAKING NEWS

Kim and Kanye's Baby to be Named Kristmas

Phish Ticket Sales Down after Marijuana Legalization in CO

Obama's Favorite Movie is Paul Blart Mall Cop

Lizzie from Arcade Game Rampage is a Reality after Shale Gas Water Supply Contamination

Mars Curiosity Kills Cat

Man On Diet Of Toothpaste "Still Minty" after Six Years

John Boehner to Star in The Sound of Music on Broadway

Cats Apparently a Big Thing on the Internet

Mars Curiosity Rover Finds Rock Blah Blah Blah

"Yeah. Sure," Says Person Who Isn't Listening to a Goddamn Thing I Say

8:28:16 pm EDT PM

Saturday, 18 May 2013

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Horoscopes

Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.

Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.

Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.

Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.

Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.

Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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Miracle in Disaster Zone Saves 2, 859 Perish

Written by Matthew Kahn

Hobart, Kentucky – Today the citizens of Hobart are trying to put their lives back together after their town was devastated by a category EF5 tornado. More than one-fifth of the towns four thousand residents perished in…

Biden Apologizes for Making Ryan Cry

Written by Jake Kaplan and Julien Blower

Shortly after the Vice-Presidential debate tonight, candidate Joe Biden apologized for making his opponent, Paul Ryan, cry.

"I am sorry I made my good friend cry tonight," said Mr. Biden. "I must admit that it was…

Concern Emerges as World's Oceans Get Wetter

Written by Matt Upchuck

The planet's oceans, which make up almost two-third's of the Earth's ground, is "getting wetter," according to Dr. Richard Manitoba of the Canadian Environmental Research Facility.

"Wetness levels of the oceans has been on the increase…

Nobel Prize Awarded With Conditions; "No Carpetbaggers," Says Yamanaka

Written by Elisabeth Gruber

John B Gurdon of the University of Cambridge and Shinya Yamanaka of Kyoto University awarded the 2012 Nobel Prize with strings attached, according to a source close to the pair. Yamanaka says "religious groups are outraged…

Editorial: Founding Fathers' Intent

Written by Matthew Kahn

As election day inevitably looms like an unfortunately virulent strain of herpes, we Americans should take a step back and ask ourselves which candidate will make this country the most like our founding fathers intended. And…

Romney Insults 100% of Americans

Written by Julien Blower

Mitt Romney today dismissed 100% of Americans as “pathetic wastes of human flesh,” as well as “third-heaven vermin,” and said that he was “tired of the poor and the hungry and the decrepit.” Amazingly enough, Romney…