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BREAKING NEWS

Kim and Kanye's Baby to be Named Kristmas

Phish Ticket Sales Down after Marijuana Legalization in CO

Obama's Favorite Movie is Paul Blart Mall Cop

Lizzie from Arcade Game Rampage is a Reality after Shale Gas Water Supply Contamination

Mars Curiosity Kills Cat

Man On Diet Of Toothpaste "Still Minty" after Six Years

John Boehner to Star in The Sound of Music on Broadway

Cats Apparently a Big Thing on the Internet

Mars Curiosity Rover Finds Rock Blah Blah Blah

"Yeah. Sure," Says Person Who Isn't Listening to a Goddamn Thing I Say

6:06:50 pm EDT PM

Saturday, 18 May 2013

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Horoscopes

Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.

Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.

Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.

Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.

Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.

Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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If Elected, Romney Promises to Hire America More Qualified President

Written by Jason Rizos

A dramatic reboot was initiated for the Romney campaign today in South Carolina. Citing his incredible personal wealth of over $420 million dollars, Mitt Romney today promised voters to pool from a list of qualified…

Political Party Leaders to be Bound, Beaten for Charity

Written by George Briscoe

The leaders of Britain's main political parties, Ed Milliband (Labour), David Cameron (Conservative) and Nick Clegg (Liberal Democrat), are set to appear live during this years Children in Need broadcast (16th October) to raise money for the…

Expert: Group Projects Lower 99% of Student IQs, Turns Other 1% Into Antisocial Jerks

Written by Jake Kaplan and Julien Blower

Group projects in high school lower student IQ’s by 7 points during the project, says UCLA Professor Martin Ruckerberg, PhD. Dr. Ruckerberg studied students at Martin Luther King Jr. High School in Los Angeles and performed…

Man Survives Jump from Golden Gate Bridge, Sues Pacific Ocean

Written by Matthew Kahn

San Francisco, CA - Crowds gathered in front of San Francisco’s municipal courthouse this morning to hear a statement from Oscar Gradey, who today officially filed a civil suit against the Pacific Ocean. Gradey, a…

Editorial: Where's My Socialist Muslim Theocracy?

Written by Matthew Kahn

Four years ago, a little known senator for Illinois ran for president. He ran on one simple tenet that I believed in: Turn America into a socialist Muslim theocracy. Three and a half years in office,…

Pentecostal Eulogy Given For Reverend Sun-Myung Moon

Written by Julien Blower

The Unification Church mourned the recent loss of its great Founder, Reverend Sun-Myung Moon, and in spite of his followers' expectations of an immortal Messiah, are relieved to learn that Reverend Moon's child Kook Moon will…