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BREAKING NEWS

Kim and Kanye's Baby to be Named Kristmas

Phish Ticket Sales Down after Marijuana Legalization in CO

Obama's Favorite Movie is Paul Blart Mall Cop

Lizzie from Arcade Game Rampage is a Reality after Shale Gas Water Supply Contamination

Mars Curiosity Kills Cat

Man On Diet Of Toothpaste "Still Minty" after Six Years

John Boehner to Star in The Sound of Music on Broadway

Cats Apparently a Big Thing on the Internet

Mars Curiosity Rover Finds Rock Blah Blah Blah

"Yeah. Sure," Says Person Who Isn't Listening to a Goddamn Thing I Say

4:36:51 am EDT AM

Monday, 20 May 2013

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Horoscopes

Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.

Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.

Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.

Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.

Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.

Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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Editorial: Where's My Socialist Muslim Theocracy?

Written by Matthew Kahn

Four years ago, a little known senator for Illinois ran for president. He ran on one simple tenet that I believed in: Turn America into a socialist Muslim theocracy. Three and a half years in office,…

Pentecostal Eulogy Given For Reverend Sun-Myung Moon

Written by Julien Blower

The Unification Church mourned the recent loss of its great Founder, Reverend Sun-Myung Moon, and in spite of his followers' expectations of an immortal Messiah, are relieved to learn that Reverend Moon's child Kook Moon will…

Unemployed Set to Compete in Benefit Battle Royal

Written by George Briscoe

A source from within the coalition government has told a Leaky Wiki reporter about a new initiative in which job seekers will be forced to compete in small constructed amphitheaters (circumstance to health and safety regulations) at local job centres, for their Job Seekers Allowance Benefit.…

TLW Stalks a Celebrity: Akimbo Comics' Brian Patrick

Written by Jake Kaplan

Brian Patrick is the creator of Akimbo Comics, a place where Calvin and Hobbes wit meets tits and crippling depression. This author managed to interview Brian after agonizing minutes of emailing and two bouts of crippling…

Professional Badminton Players' Strike Enters Its Fifth Year

Written by Matthew Kahn

Los Angeles, CA -- Pedestrians and motorists passing the Staples Center were rerouted this morning due to a demonstration by the Badminton Players’ Union. Members carried picket signs and chanted for three hours to mark the…

Deputy PM Commissions Flux Capacitor

Written by George Briscoe

Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister and Liberal Democrat Leader has today put forward a planning permission application to Sheffield Borough Council for a 'Time Travelling Device'. Mr. Clegg has been ridiculed in the media as of late for his poor apology for raising tuition fees…